Raising Children With Choices
It's undeniably difficult raising children in a changing world.
You want the best for your children and you want them to fulfill
their potential with each new activity that they undertake but,
in a society where certain endeavors are still too often
considered to be the domain of males only or of females only, it
may take a bit of effort to create a maximum of opportunities
for your children, whether they be girls or boys.
Every child, and for that matter, every adult, has innate
aptitudes for certain things. Some kids may do better in school
than others do, some excel in verbal skills, and for others
their forte may be analytical skills or problem-solving.
Mathematics and science come more easily to some children than
to others, while some are good with their hands. Many are
curious about how machines function. Some have the patience and
perseverence to stick with a complex new project, and some
don't. Certain children have a talent for drawing or for music.
The possibilities and the individual variations are limitless.
As children grow up, what each child becomes is a combination of
these innate aptitudes, exposure to a variety of topics and
activities and experiences, plus the character-building lessons
learned from parents, teachers, siblings, peers and others. One
part of the equation, without the others, may lead nowhere. A
particular child may have the potential to become a great
musician but, unless that child is exposed to a variety of
musical forms or has the opportunity to see and touch musical
instruments and learn to play whichever one appeals to him or
her, it may come to nothing. Another child might grow up to
contribute great things to medical science but, unless taught
basic biology and other sciences, that child will never see
medicine as a possible career choice.
To allow your children to develop into the most that they can
be, it's up to you to guide their education, in terms of their
choices, from the variety of classes available to them at
school, to their afterschool activities, public library use, the
joining of local clubs, and the use of other resources which are
available within your community or beyond it. You can also pass
your own special skills, storehouse of knowledge, and interests
on to your children.
Children are little bundles of potential. When raising your
children, try to be ever conscious of this, and of the subtle
sex role stereotyping that you yourself may have grown up with
and how it might affect what you offer to your daughters or to
your sons. As toddlers, are girls given dolls and boys given toy
trucks ? Is a seven-year-old boy signed up for Little League,
while a girl is offered ballet lessons ?
There's nothing wrong with little girls playing with dolls and
taking dance lessons. Those activities are fine. Dolls are fun
and they allow little girls to vicariously experiment with and
prepare for real life social interactions. Dance lessons may
reveal a future professional dancer or give your daughter the
pleasure of a lifelong hobby, a great way to stay trim and fit,
or a passion for ballet music. The problem arises if little
girls are only exposed to traditional "female" pursuits and
interests, such as dolls and dance lessons. Starting from the
youngest age, give girls the opportunity to play with toy boats
and cars and trains, as well. Encourage participation in
organized sports and, when old enough, give your daughters
science experiment kits. Don't limit your children's potentials
by restricting their activities to traditional gender-based
categories.
As your daughters grow up, expose them to as many different
pursuits, of all types, as you can. Let them know how important
their intellectual achievements and success in school are to
you. Show them your pride in their accomplishments, but without
making them feel unduly pressured. With time, their natural
proclivities, abilities and talents will become more apparent
and they will gravitate towards certain activities, while
dropping others. In order for each to find the career and the
leisure time activities that are a perfect fit for them,
however, they need to have a smorgasbord of things from which to
choose. Sure, this is all just common sense but, amid the hustle
and bustle of everyday life, it's easy to reinforce old gender
roles and girl/boy stereotypes without even being consciously
aware that they exist.
After a childhood rich in opportunities and choices, a young
woman still may ultimately choose a profession that's always
been a female-dominated one and become a nurse or a teacher, for
example, and that is fine. Those can be wonderful choices and
they're important jobs in our society. I'm not denigrating any
one job in relation to any other job. I just feel that a choice
can only truly be a choice when it is chosen from a maximum
variety of possibilities. If a girl (or a boy) becomes a nurse
because it is the job that most appeals to her or him, that's
wonderful. If a girl grows up to be a nurse, however, because
she never realized that her interest in health care might have
led her to become a great heart surgeon, then that is sad and
not a true choice.
Ii's not just little girls who might suffer from an
unnecessarily restricted set of choices. Little boys should also
have the opportunity to experiment with the widest possible
range of activities and interests. If dolls can help little
girls practice for motherhood or for social interactions with
their peers, then why can't they help little boys learn to be
more nurturing future fathers ?
Doing their share of household chores can help all chidren
become more responsible and cooperative adults, but don't
automatically make girls wash the dishes while boys take out the
garbage. Teach both sexes that all family members share both in
the labors of and the rewards of family life. Both can help with
the housework, both can help care for the new baby, and both can
learn to be responsible for the care of family pets. That way,
everyone wins. The world could do with more men who see
housework as something that everyone in the family shares
equally, who become equal partners in the raising of their own
children, and who develop their interpersonal skills, along with
their muscles. With that in mind, don't restrict your sons'
extracurricular activities to all things macho. Your son may be
a budding Njinsky or Fred Astaire but he, and you, will never
know it if he's never exposed to a single dance step.
As with other types of unfair limitations on individuals'
aspirations or lack of opportunities because of culture, race,
income level, or physical handicap, for example, gender is a
poor excuse for narrowing children's choices or placing ceilings
on their dreams. It's all too easy for all of us to revert to
old sex roles without even thinking, as some of these are so
deeply ingrained in our society, in popular culture, and in the
media. With a bit of care and thought, though, we can help the
next generation build a society where boys and girls, women and
men are all freer to find meaning in their lives by following
their personal dreams, choosing the career track that's right
for them, and developing hobbies that are a perfect fit for
their individual interests and abilities. To do this, all they
need is plenty to choose from and the chance to try out whatever
interests them.