How to Pick Up the Gloves in Marriage and Fight Well
Call it a fight, call it a discussion, call it whatever you
want. But let's be honest. The truth is that in every marriage
there is fighting. No matter what you think, there is no such
thing as the Cleavers or the Cosbys. That being said, if it
happens in every marriage, why is it that there are some couples
who seem to enter and exit the ring gracefully while others seem
like there is never a break between rounds? The reason is that
some people have learned the secrets behind fighting well and
others are just swinging away hoping to connect.
Whether you have been married 20 years or 20 minutes, learning
to fight well can be the difference between being one of the
most rewarding experiences of marriage and the most challenging.
What fight do you want to fight?
Let's clarify what was said previously. Everyone fights, but
you may not actually know it. Even if you are in the
relationship. There are basically 2 types of fighters; the
Screamers and the Sweepers.
What does a screamer sound like?
This is the couple that nobody doubts is having problems. They
are the ones that fight over the smallest things, and these
small things turn into World War III. The fights turn brutal
fast and leave deep wounds that are still raw as the next fight
starts. They fight about the same thing over and over and never
seem to solve a thing.
How deep is the carpet you sweep under?
These couples do have conflicts, but they keep it quiet. From
the neighbors, from the family, and even from themselves. When a
conflict arises, these people will quickly and effectively avoid
the conflict and will work around it. When they come into
therapy, generally these people will talk about conflicts that
were never resolved 10 years ago that their partner didn't even
know was a problem.
Why do so many couples fight? Here is the problem. There
really are 3 things working against you in this relationship.
What family tree did you fall from?
First is that neither one of you grew up in the same family.
Maybe your family was the kind of family that was loud and
outgoing, always doing things together, and constantly moving,
whereas your partner came from a family where spending time
together meant that they were in the same room together
listening to the same clock ticking in the corner. It may not
have been quite that extreme, but you get the point.
Are you a fruit?
Secondly, no two people in the world have had exactly the same
experiences and thoughts as another person. Our experiences tend
to form who we are and how we see life. Therefore, no two people
in or out of a relationship will ever see their relationship
exactly the same. It is like trying to compare apples to oranges.
What planet are you on?
Finally, there is one overlying theme that hangs over all of us
in traditional relationships. One of us is male and the other is
female. Period. Although we are not from different planets as
you may have heard, society expects different things from us and
we therefore have different goals and expectations about
relationships and our roles in them.
Knowing that there are such strong, lifelong habits and traits
that we are dealing with, it should be
Why do we loose control?
When we fight, something interesting happens in our bodies. For
most people, fighting isn't just an exchange of words. It is an
emotional event that happens and is felt throughout our bodies.
Emotion types
There are two types of emotions. Primary and secondary.
Secondary emotions are emotions that come after the main emotion
occurs. In essence, it is a reaction to the reaction.
When people come into a session, most often we hear "She pissed
me off", or "He made me so mad". That is not the real emotion.
That is the reaction to the emotion. The primary emotion is
hurt, disappointment, or rejection. It is important that this
distinction be made.
Chemical Confusion
Part of the problem when we fight is that too often we are
dealing with the secondary emotions. We have felt something
strongly like rejection or betrayal, and then our bodies
automatically go into defensive mode. Our brains release
chemicals that put us on alert and do not allow proper
functioning of brain processing.
What we need to realize is that people who work off of secondary
emotions do not actually see reality because their brains cannot
function properly with the chemicals that are being produced.
Our natural response is to retaliate without thought. How can
you fight effectively when your brain is not functioning? You
can't! That is why you need to be able to see clearly enough to
fight.
This is just not natural!
Why is it that fighting well is so difficult? Even the most
practiced couple makes mistakes at times and seems to go
backwards. What needs to be understood is that it is not natural
to have the kind of conversations that will make marriages work.
Our natural reaction is to fight or run.
So what we are doing is trying go against what our animal
instincts are telling us to do. What needs to happen is that we
need to transcend that instinct and move to a higher level and
do things that feel difficult and unnatural. It's hard, but it
can be done using proven tools.
Other Topics in this Series 1) Check Out Time 2) Kitchen
Sinking 3) Sucker Punch 4) Setting the Rules ...and many
more
Topics discussed here are not intended to replace professional
counselling. For further information, more articles like this
and downloadable audio files relating to marriage, visit www.bestmarriages.com