5 Ways To Help A Depressed Loved One
Copyright 2006 Christopher Green
When a person is suffering the torment of a stressful,
depressive or anxious episode, it can be so hard for loved ones
and friends to connect with them. For the sufferer, the torment
can be exacerbated because no one understands what they're going
through.
Here's 5 ways you can develop understanding so you can reach a
loved one.
1. A common reaction to a sufferer is: "Oh, come on, you'll be
OK, it's all in the mind." Although stress, depression and
anxiety have their roots in thought, there are many other
symptoms involved. Severe headache, back pain, muscle pain,
exhaustion, palpitations, hypertension, shaking, loss of
appetite, loss of sex drive and loss of interest in previously
enjoyable activities to name several. There are many other
symptoms and it's also important to understand that no sufferer
experiences the same symptoms. E.g. One may develop severe back
pain another may develop headaches. As you can see, it is much
more complicated than "all in the mind".
2. Another reaction is to say "What have you got to be so
worried about? Many people throughout the world have it much
worse than you do and they're happy." Now fair enough, when you
look at the plight millions of people have to endure around the
world, living in squalor and poverty, then yes, they do have a
terrible time. So do people who suffer severe illness and
disability. But this just won't have any bearing on how a
sufferer feels at all. In my own case, when people said this to
me it meant nothing because I couldn't change their
circumstances and I was struggling to solve my own problems. I
couldn't care about anyone else. This is a symptom of
depression. A sufferer will turn inwards and disconnect from
society. They need help to solve their problems. Pointing out
that others have it worse will not help in any way.
3. Non sufferers find it very hard to accept depression, anxiety
and stress as real problems. Many will say "Oh, you've just got
the blues. Don't worry, they'll soon go away." Of course, there
will be times in all of our lives when things don't run
smoothly, when things go awry, when the weather is awful, when
friends let you down, when you just feel a bit sad. We call
these "the blues" and we know that the blues will eventually
lift. There is a big difference between "the blues" and
stressful, depressive or anxious episodes. Sufferers firmly
believe their torment will never end and they cannot see a
positive outcome to any problem. Add these feelings to the
physical symptoms and you can see that "the blues" is vastly
different.
4. Self-deprecation is typical of these problems. Sufferers will
put themselves down at every opportunity. They'll do it when
they're alone and they'll do it when they're in the company of
others. E.g. "No, you go ahead. I won't bother because I'll just
get it wrong like everything else I do." When you hear this,
avoid the urge to challenge it or reprimand. Instead, gently and
subtly remind them of a time when something went well. Just say
"Hey, do you remember that time when you..." Challenging or
reprimanding will only arouse resentment and they'll just think
you're against them. This is a very subtle way of reminding the
sufferer of a more positive event.
5. Frustration is also common amongst people who cannot
understand what their loved one is going through. And it can
soon give way to anger and resentment as patience wears thin.
Criticism begins. "You've always been negative. The glass is
always half empty with you. All you've ever done is look on the
downside. You want to stop feeling sorry for yourself and pull
yourself together." Whilst I can understand the frustration,
this kind of approach will only have 2 outcomes: Your loved one
will resent you so much they will start avoiding you and their
torment will deepen. As frustrating as it is, please resist
this. Give them space. Reassure them you're there for them no
matter what. If your frustration is getting the better of you,
take a time out to gather your thoughts by going for a walk. Yes
it's hard but the alternative is to make things harder.
I know it's so difficult to reach loved ones and I know it's so
hard to understand what's happening. This article will help you
and your loved one to deal more effectively with the torment.
Until next time.