How To Adapt To Change In Your Relationship The Effortless Way
I was watching an episode of the Home and Garden show "NEAT",
which is a show where a crew comes in to help clutterbugs
reorganize and systematize their homes. There is major change
going on for the homeowners, including a lot of tossing out,
giving away and rearranging of their home and life.
I turned to Rob, my life partner and even though I am an Amiable
personality type which means I am into teamwork and everyone
getting along, I said "If I was honest with myself, I think I
would turn into Linda Blair's possessed character from the
Exorcist if people started trying to force me into so much
change."
Amiables, by tradition, do not adapt as well to change, but all
personalities if they are not consciously aware of it or do not
have positive, accepting ways of handling it, will go into
resistance when someone imposes change on them. Even if the
other person is including the first person in the
decision-making process for the change, the simple fact that the
other person initiated the change is enough to throw the first
person into resistance.
This is a major power struggle is that hidden in most
relationships that result in one person feeling threatened or
encroached upon by the change and the other person feeling
attacked or even abandoned because the first person is resisting
their plans.
In an article prepared by the City of Winnipeg Employee
Assistance Program, 1992. They have the following to say about
change:
"Change is always a new opportunity and a loss of the familiar.
Change is a shift in what is required, anticipated and valued,
so we must move differently and that requires energy... change
requires energy.
Expect a variety of reactions to big changes. If you are not
part of what's making the change happen, you may feel threatened
and react automatically with anger, blaming, fear or some other
style. What's your style?
Slow-to-be- realized- changes may be ever more threatening, and
so you put the idea of what's happening out of your mind as much
as possible. This is like the death of someone close to you,
that you don't want to face. Expect the three stages of
Resisting the Change, Accepting the Transition, and Opening up
to a New Beginning.
Resisting is about denial, then anger, and then bargaining
urgently to keep the old ways.
Accepting Transition is to first appreciate, and then get upset
over what is being lost (mourning). Then we can accept the task
of getting along without. Naturally, there is a time "in
between" when we feel lost and without motivation or direction.
Finally, after some experimentation, we can become enthusiastic
about some New Beginning.
It all takes time. Be aware of what you are up to, you can take
care of yourself."
Now instead of trying to change the stages, it is more important
to just be aware of them. You can then gently flow through the
stages without further resistance or without being down on
yourself for reacting a certain way. It is also important for
your partner to understand the stages too so they know not to
take it personally and not be in resistance to you either.
I was unconsciously going through the stages when Rob and I were
doing some major renovations in our house. I was trying not to
resist and feeling bad because I felt like I was being a stick
in the mud, although I was trying not to. Once I realized the
stages though, it really helped by just allowing the stages, and
it became easier and easier to adapt to change.
In addition to accepting the stages, here are few positive
beliefs to keep in mind about changes:
* Change is a chance for new opportunities and to learn new
things.
* There is nothing to feel bad about if there is something that
you need to change about yourself. You are perfect to begin
with, if you find out the reality about yourself and that there
is something you need to change, you are actually rediscovering
your true self that has been lost during your life experiences.