How To Attain Security And Certainty In Your Relationship

In Love by Design relationships it is important that there is reassurance, certainty and security. The other day, actually the other week, I had several people in my office who were not very secure in their relationship. They came in on their own. They were having difficulties in their relationship. They just didn't feel safe and secure in their relationship. They were worried that their partner may be moving away or potentially straying or not loving them in the way that they want. In our Love by Design book (www.lovebydesignbook.com) we talk about various communication modes. Many people that have a certain communication mode find that if their partner has a different communication mode, they don't feel that secure of how they are feeling in terms of feeling loved. That is very understandable if you understand the communication modes. If you read in our Love by Design book, we talk about four communication modes, the Visual, Auditory, Digital and Kinesthetic. The following is a brief overview of the four basic communication modes: Visuals communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things. Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you. Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood. Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. The move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activity and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched. If your partner is a different communication mode than you and again we can be on all four channels or three channels or just two channels and our partners can be on the same ones or different ones or part of yours and part of another. For example in the book, we talk about my relationship with Michelle. Michelle was a lovely young lady and she was a Visual, Auditory. I happened to be Visual, Auditory Kinesthetic, and Digital. So she was hitting two of my communication modes, but was not hitting the other two, in the Digital or Kinesthetic channels. She was not hitting my Communication modes so I felt empty in those areas. In the relationship I had with Lucie, she was a Visual, Kinesthetic. Again, I was a Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic and Digital. Although they were different modes than Michelle, in fact they did have some similarities in the sense that both of Michelle and Lucie were Visual. However, again their modes were different, and not the same as mine. So two of mine with Lucie were missing and two of mine were missing with Michelle. With Lucie, my Digital and Auditory was missing. I felt very empty because there was no Auditory communication and there was no Digital or deep thoughtful or mental, emotional connection. So with Michelle, we would talk a lot and do things, but again I didn't feel connected, intellectually, emotionally or at a deep spiritual level. I also did not feel connected Kinesthetically as much. Many of these situations are reflected in the some of the clients that come in and see me. A lot of them tend to be Digital. Digital people tend to go to counselling more than a Visual person. A Visual person would go to counseling or a Visual, Kinesthetic person would go to counselling usually because they are dragged there. However, if a Digital person is with someone who is not Digital, they really feel empty. Sure they do things together. Their partner may talk or may not, but the Digital really feels empty. Also in relationships where one partner is highly Kinesthetic and the other person isn't, the first person will feel like the other person doesn't love them, that the other person is interested in someone else because they are not having as much cuddling, kissing or sex, with them as they did when they were courting. So then if the person is Digital, they start thinking a lot, which is something that a Digital person does, which is think a lot, they then start feeling insecure. Also if you are stressed out in life, and you are Digital and Analytical you tend to get a little paranoid if you are put under stress if you are not being reassured. So in a Love by Design relationship, it is key that your partner is on the same channel as you, and if not, know how to work on the same channel as you and to reassure you. And it is important to let the other person know, do not hold back even if you are shutdown on those channels either because you are not on those channels or if you are emotionally shutdown or affectionately shutdown. I know when I was playing really adversarial back in the day 30 years ago or whatever, I thought it wasn't cool to show affection or it wasn't cool to say I love you or it wasn't cool to be vulnerable . It wasn't cool to be any of these things. But frankly, it's not cool, not to show love on these channels in the channels you partner is in and it is your job to reassure your partner and to be with a partner that reassures you. There should be no insecurity in a relationship, no game playing. Sure you match level of commitment, but it's not about game playing, it's not about withholding, you are here to give, living is giving, and to give freely love in all the channels, without expectations, in a positive, happy , positive-upstate way. It is important to read the Seven Principles of Relationship Success, which is being taught in Love by Design and which is good to read, because it talks about some of the things in this article for relationships success. So it is important to reassure and don't hold back, that way it will help you create the life and love of your dreams.