Connect the Easy Way
A lot of the skills we need in finding, or relating to, a
partner can be developed as we go about the ordinary process of
our daily lives. We don't have to wait till we meet a 'special
person' before trying out our skills in connecting with other
people. In fact the worse time to develop any new skill is when
we are under pressure.
It is better to develop new skills when we are calm and relaxed.
This applies as much to social skills as any other skills, so it
is best to improve our social skills in unthreatening situations
first. This increases are chances of doing the right thing
automatically in more challenging situations.
Eye contact, for example, is a skill that we can develop in a
very easy and natural way. It is well known that eye contact is
one the main ways that attraction is felt between people. Good
eye contact generates a kind of electricity and creates a
feeling of connection. It is one of the best ways to give
someone that special tingly feeling. In fact, it may be that
without good eye contact those tingles never happen. (I contact
+ I contact = We Connect).
Looking and being looked at is a fundamental human need. Just
think of the ways kids behave, with constant cries of 'Look at
me mummy!'. When we don't look, and are not looked at in a
positive way, we feel isolated. When we learn how to 'look' we
make ourselves more attractive (ie more appealing to look at)
and we feel more connected. Of course for dating and for finding
a partner for a relationship eye contact is absolutely essential.
We do not have to limit eye contact to people we consider as
potential partners. We can develop skills beforehand so that we
stand a much better chance when someone we are interested in
dating does come along.
We can use eye contact to create and deepen a feeling of
connection with lots of other people in our lives. We can use it
with family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, or even just
people we bump into during the day!
However, we need to respect the boundaries and feelings of other
people and not impose ourselves on them. I am not suggesting
that you go around trying to stare intensely into the eyes of
everyone you meet. What I am suggesting is that you gently look
people in the eye, hold a slight smile and keep eye contact for
just a wee bit longer than you normally would. Even one or two
seconds (even half a second) can make a big difference.
Of course, if the person looks uncomfortable back off right away
and re-approach them very gently if it looks like they are open
to that.
I like to make eye contact while thinking about something I
like, or admire, about the person. It can be anything; their
hair, clothes, style, smile, or of course, their eyes. If you
try this I think you'll find that your eyes will look warmer and
more attractive and you'll get very interesting responses from
potential partners.
Too many people are thinking judgemental, wary and fearful
thoughts when they first meet another person. They get caught up
in being overly self conscious or the may get judgemental about
themselves or the other person. This stops them putting out much
in the way of warmth. Focussing on what we appreciate about
other people gives us a chance to get our minds away from all of
that fearful stuff and focus on something pleasant. It also
helps light up our eyes and create a feeling of something
different and attractive about us and helps create a 'buzz'.
The eyes does just take in they also give out!
The eyes are not just a source of communication for the person
doing the looking, they tell the person you are looking at a lot
about you. This is usually a process which is instinctive and
most of us give and receive impressions via eye contact all the
time without realising it. By becoming aware of what you give
out through your eyes and you will develop a whole new skill in
relating to others.
It is often much more powerful to tell someone you like them by
how you look at them than by using words. By putting warmth in
your eyes while you look at them and are with them will help
this to come across. They person will get a sense of charm and
wellbeing from you and they may even feel that you have a
certain charisma. All without you having to risk saying anything!
Try basic eye contact first with people you know fairly well,
then, when you get the idea of it, extend it to people you don't
know so well. The chances are you feel closer to those people
and they will feel closer to you.
If you are really shy you can try it first with plants or trees!
Just pretend that the flowers or leaves are eyes and beam a
slight smile and kind thought to them through your eyes. Once
you get the idea move on to people. I don't recommend practicing
it on animals, as they are a lot trickier. They often use eye
contact to establish dominance, so make sure the beast is tied
up, or safely enclosed, if you insist in trying it out on your
neighbor's scary dog!
Take your time, get into the habit of noticing something you
like about the person you are talking to and see if you can let
that feeling come into your eyes. You can even practise when you
are alone. Think about someone you like and let that feeling
come into your eyes too. Letting yourself smile in a very slight
and subtle way may help. That way you get the message across
without being too obvious, specially in situations where you
feel you need to be cautious. Of course, where the situation
warrants in a great big smile is fine.
This stuff works! Eye contact really does wonders in helping us
connect with others in a meaningful way. Whether you want to
improve your chances in dating and matchmaking, or you just want
improve you social life, learning to make better eye contact is
essential. But, remember it is a skill so take time to develop
your abilities and let yourself notice and enjoy the early
results to encourage yourself to keep improving. You'll soon
find yourself connecting the easy way.