How To Look For Your Perfect Companion In The Right Places
Are you looking for Love by Design? Well you certainly have
found the right place. A lot of people go through life
completely unconscious and not knowing exactly what they want to
have in a relationship until they get into a relationship and
find that they don't have what they want.
It's sad but it's a true fact that the in our society people are
not trained on how to understand relationships. Relationships
are very simple, they are a mutual filling of needs and it is
usually not until someone gets into a marriage or a relationship
that they find that there are difficulties. Usually we marry
because of love and lust or attraction or we find someone who is
pretty or handsome or they got a good job or they have ambition
or they want to create a life or they want to have a family. You
may have met them at a bar or meet them at school and you decide
to fall in love and you have some things in common and you want
to have kids and you decide to get married.
So many people do that when they are 18 or 20 or in their early
20s up until their 30s now. People are basically uncomfortable
and they don't really make a Love by Design. A Love by Design is
really ultimately the way to create a relationship by designing
the perfect love for you and the perfect relationship for you.
Now there are 2 reasons why people break up in relationships.
Rob (who is the Director/Counsellor of the Centre for Life
Management, co-author of Love by Design and my life partner) and
I have been counselling couples for years at the Centre. We find
that if you look at all the hundreds of thousands of cases that
we see every year it usually boils down to 2 main reasons why
people aren't creating the relationships of their dreams and
having their Love by Design.
The first reason is they are not really compatible, although
they may have some compatibility in some areas. Maybe they like
bowling or hiking or going to the same movies, but they may not
be compatible in their visions, they may not be compatible in
their timing or when they want to have children.
They may not be compatible in their workstyle or lifestyle or
where they want to live. One person wants to go out and live in
the country, and have a small little market garden in a dairy
farm and the other one wants to live near the beach on the coast
of California and pursue their Ph.D. In this case they have two
different visions, it is actually the visions and the values
that are the glue that holds relationships together. In fact,
it's not so much looking at each other, it's looking at the same
direction together. That is what values and visions do. So you
may be totally in love with somebody, and may get a long in some
areas, but you may be fundamentally not compatible.
For example, my partner, Rob Bilton, was with this young lady
Lucie and she was a very lovely woman. However, Rob wanted
children at the time and Lucie had hers and wasn't interested in
getting children at that time, so that is an example of
incompatibility.
The other reason why relationships have a tendency not to work
out that we see at the Centre is because of people who are not
that functional and are not able to have the skills that make
successful relationships work. They in fact may have picked up
bad habits or toxicities from their family of origin and from
their early relationships that wreck an otherwise good or
compatible relationship.
So ultimately when you are going out there and wanting to create
a Love by Design, it is good that you screen for compatibility
and functionality. The other thing is that if you are in an
existing relationship, you can see what you have and see if fact
if your partner is functional. Then you can take action and read
some of our books, consulting or counselling to improve on your
functionality and if you are not compatible in some areas then
you can shift that or you can accept that or compromise. There
are always ways of doing that. If you are really fundamentally
incompatible, (which is something that we will talk about in
some of our teachings on deal breakers), then you may have a
life decision to make.)