3 Seldom Used Communication Skills You Can Master To Break Down
Barriers In Your Relationships
There have been many books about Communication, Communication
Styles, and Conflict Resolution Techniques.
This article is to focus on the less common, but just as
important areas of communication known as:
~ Body Language ~ Tone ~ Indirect Communication
Contrary to popular belief, as mentioned in the romantic comedy
"Hitch" with Will Smith, words are only a small fraction of the
communication.
In fact, according to Rob, (Director/Counsellor of The Centre
for Life Management/LMC Relationship Centre, and Co-author of
Love by Design http://www.LoveByDesignBook.com) says that the
following is roughly how communication is divided.
10% of Communication is conducted through Words. 30% of
Communication is conducted through Tone. 60% of Communication is
conducted by Body Language.
So what does this mean? We spend the majority of the time
focusing on what people are directly saying, but we are missing
90% of what people are really saying. It is no wonder then, that
above and beyond couples not having the same communication
modes, or not having relationship skills, miscommunication can
also be occurring because we are not focusing on the full
picture.
Indirect Communication is also an alternate form of
communication, because a person needs to listen to what is being
said underneath the words, and not take the words at face value
only.
Let's give some examples of the less well know forms of
communication.
BODY LANGUAGE: When a couple comes for counselling, by the time
they sit down on the couch together, we already have an idea of
the dynamics of the relationship. How? By how they are sitting
on the couch. Is the couple sitting on opposite ends of the
couch? Are they sitting close together, are they leaning towards
each other, away from each other? Is one couple leaning away
from the other even though the other is leaning towards the
other one? Is one person practically sitting on the other? Are
they holding hands? Does someone have their arm behind the other
one? Are they sitting forward, leaning back relaxed, or sitting
up poker straight? Is someone fidgeting or restless? Is someone
hugging a pillow, or putting a pillow between themselves and
their partner? There is a lot going on, if one is aware.
It is important when communicating to be aware of one's body
language. Often a person may shutdown by something the first
partner is saying or doing, but are not saying anything, so the
first partner continues unaware.
As an example, if someone shuts down, they may lean away from
you, they may or may not be smiling, they may have a very tight,
restricted look on their face. Their eyes will usually be
directed away, looking down, or looking up and away. If they do
maintain eye contact, chances are their arms will be crossed.
Arms being crossed is fascinating, in and of itself and has more
than one meaning, but as the person doing the communicating and
as the receiver of the communication it can send different
messages. It may need to be checked out to prevent
misinterpretation. Arms crossed could mean:
~ They are angry ~ They feel encroached upon or threatened ~
They are taking a stand or being stubborn ~ They feel anxious or
uncomfortable ~ They are cold
TONE: We once had a couple come in to see us where the wife's
main complaint was that she didn't like the way her husband
talks to her. She said she told him time and again that he had
to stop talking so angrily towards her, and she couldn't handle
the intensity when they talked.
The husband was truly perplexed. He honestly though his wife
must be hypertensive or looking into things that weren't there
because as he explained, he never yells or raises his voice
towards her and he never says anything derogatory or mean to
her. So what was going on?
When explained to him that it was his tone and intensity of his
voice that was conveying anger, he responded by saying..." Tone?
What's tone?"
He never knew that people can react to the tone of one's voice.
He just thought communication was black and white, you are
either yelling or not yelling.
Tone can be much more subtle, but just as powerful. Many years
ago, when I was going through a marriage prep class with my 1st
husband, one of the marriage prep teachers, pulled me aside one
day and asked me, if I ever noticed the tone of my voice before.
I said" No, what are talking about?" He said that I had a tone
to my voice that said "I'm not worthy" to people.
Now, I was shocked at first because of this man's honestly and
truth. But he was dead on with how I was feeling inside at the
time, and to my surprise it was actually coming through in my
tone.
So the bottom line, you may think you are just communicating
with words, but there is a whole other conversation going on,
that people can pick up by your tone whether it is intentional
or unintentional.
Lastly, there is INDIRECT COMMUNICATION
It is very important to be a Direct Communicator, express what
you feel, think or need directly. Communication is a very
subjective art in the first place because everyone has filters
when it comes to interpreting what other people mean due to your
belief systems, your mood, past traumas, experience and
education.
What one thing means to you may not have the same meaning to
another person. So if you are the type of person who uses
indirect communication to express your needs you are
complicating your communication ten fold. You are opening up
tons of new interpretations that are not necessary, in hopes of
couching your needs or hoping that you are not going to cause a
reaction from the person you are asking the request from.
The reality is that you are actually decreasing your chances of
the person you are communicating with understanding what you
want, plus you are potentially frustrating the other person with
unclear messages. Sometimes, indirect communication can also
cause the other person to feel like you are trying to control,
care give or influence them, instead of stating what you want.
The following are some examples from a book called Relationships
and Family Living by EMC publishing, about what they call Coded
Messages, that is used in schools to help teach elementary
students to learn how the decode indirect communication. See if
you can interpret Coded Messages. The answer key is underneath
Coded Messages (See their corresponding Uncoded Messages Below):
1) " I wish I could get sick once in a while like Michael. He's
so lucky. 2) " I got an "F" on this last English test. I can't
get into studying. ________________ 3) " I want to talk with you
about Dave. He's gotten so he hates to come to school."
________________ 4) " Daddy, please take me to the classroom for
play school." _________________ 5) "Why am I always the one
being sent to detention? Everyone else was goofing around, too."
_________________ 6) "Don't' call my parents about what I did.
They'll ground me forever." ___________________ 7) "I don't like
class. It's noisy and I can't accomplish anything."
__________________ 8) "Why do we have to study spelling? That
doesn't help me read faster." ___________________
ANSWER KEY (Uncoded Messages) 1) I don't want to go to school 2)
He's blaming his F on his studying skills. 3) He's not coming to
school. 4) I want to play. 5) I'm mad about detention. It's
unfair. 6) I'll get in trouble. 7) I can't think when it's loud.
8) I'm a slow reader.
SOLUTIONS So the following are suggestions for dealing with
these forms of communications: 1) Be aware of your own Body
Language, Tone and Indirect Communication. 2) Be aware of your
partner's Body Language, Tone and Indirect Communication. 3) If
in doubt , check it out - Ask always in a way so you are owning
your own feelings or observations, such as " I feel like you may
be annoyed with me because I hear a sharpness in your voice, how
do you feel?" OR "I noticed that your arms are crossed, how are
you feeling or what are you thinking?" If it is an indirect
communication, feedback what you think they are saying and see
if you have hit it on the nose or not. Sometimes, Indirect
Communicators still won't tell you what they are really
thinking, so reassure them that it is safe to voice their option
or ask for what they want.