Fears Of A New Relationship
Katie had not been in a relationship in ten years, and she was
scared to death. In her last relationship, she had lost herself
completely and then felt devastated when her boyfriend of three
years left her for another woman.
After working on herself emotionally and spiritually for a
number of years, Katie, now 48, felt she was ready for a new
relationship. So she joined an online dating service and
promptly met Sean, who seemed too good to be true. Warm,
compassionate, intelligent, and also on a personal and spiritual
growth path, Sean, 55, was an available man! Now Katie's fears
that she would not meet someone turned to fears of being in a
relationship again.
Katie had learned how to take loving care of herself when she
was alone or with friends, but doing this with a man was another
matter. She had never actually taken care of herself in any of
her relationships, and she was very worried that she would let
herself down again.
Katie wanted some guidelines regarding loving actions she could
take for herself as she started to explore the relationship with
Sean, and she wrote to me asking me for these loving actions. So
here they are - some loving actions to take when first exploring
a new relationship:
1. Stay focused inside your own body, noticing your own feelings
rather than just being tuned into the other person's feelings.
Stay conscious of NOT taking responsibility for the others
person's feelings of worth or security, and NOT making the other
person responsible for your feelings of worth or security.
2. Make a solid decision before getting together with the other
person that you are willing to lose the other person rather than
lose yourself. Make a conscious decision to NOT make the other
person's wants, needs and feelings more important than your own.
3. Stay clear on your own truth, NOT letting the other person
talk you in or out of what feels good and right for you.
4. Be willing to take full, 100% responsibility for behaving in
a way that makes you feel worthy, safe and powerful. Be willing
to be who you really are rather than trying to impress. Make a
conscious decision that being in integrity with who you really
are, is more important than getting the other person's approval.
5. Do NOT disregard the big or small things that you find
difficult, intolerable or unacceptable. If something is
unacceptable or intolerable to you early in the relationship,
the chances are that it is not going to get better. Do NOT
convince yourself that, because there are so many good things
about this person, you can overlook the problems or get the
other person to change. This NEVER works!
Fears of rejection can emerge very early in a relationship. Some
people are terrified of doing something wrong and being
rejected, because they make they other person responsible for
their feelings of worth and lovability. The fear of rejection
can lead a person to give him/herself up to the other person,
thereby touching off fears of engulfment - of loving oneself and
being controlled or consumed by the other person. Thus, fears of
loss - loss of self or loss of other - often surface quickly and
people find themselves either giving in or pulling away in their
efforts to protect themselves from their fears.
If you allow fear to guide you, you will likely either pull away
or end up in an unsatisfying relationship. The most important
thing to remember as you move into exploring a new relationship
is: LET LOVE BE YOUR GUIDE, NOT FEAR. This means that you need
to be open to learning about what is most loving to YOU - what
is really in your highest good - rather than trying to have
control over not being rejected or controlled by the other
person. So, number six is:
6. Keep asking your inner wisdom, "What is the loving action
toward myself right now? What is in my highest good right now?"
If you keep asking this vital question, you will find your way
through exploring a new relationship without losing yourself and
without getting hurt by the other person.