So many of my clients struggle with the concept of settling. Why do we settle? When we actually get to the point where we know what we want, what happens that we settle for less?

Several things can be undermining the ease of getting what you want.

It is easy to ask someone who doesn't really matter to you in terms of romantic relationship for something you want. If you get in the habit of asking everyone for everything that you want in this manner, when it comes time to ask someone who is meaningful in the relationship department it too will be easy.

However, if you haven't made it a habit to acknowledge everyone before you ask for something, it will be an intimidating task to ask someone who is intimate with you for something significant.

The closer someone is to the perfect mate, the more difficult it will be to ask that person for anything. It is risky. That person whom you have deemed to be "IT," could say no, reject you or perhaps even get angry and break up with you. So the closer to perfect someone is, the more likely you are to not be specific with your desires. That way when he/she does not meet your expectations, you can avoid making a decision about whether this person deserves to have you in his/her life.

I have mentioned this in the past; let's look at another scenario.

A man and a woman are friends, seeing each other several times a week, having sex and not dating anyone else. This is a relationship. If both parties in this situation do not admit to being in a relationship, one is lying. There are people out there who have a very bad habit of being non-committal. They learned this habit in high school when they didn't want to commit to something because a bigger name might offer something better and they wanted to hold out for the best deal.

If you ask someone do they want to do something with you, the answer is a yes or no. The wanting to do something is either yes or no. There may be extenuating circumstances which might interfere with what they want to do, but those circumstances have no relevance on whether or not the answer to the question is yes or no. Do not settle for being treated as a stand by.

Some people do this because they are angling for a better offer. Others do it because it is habit. You allow it if you accept a vague response as their true response. When you get a vague response from anyone, the next thing that you say is, "What does that mean?"

This week I had a discussion with someone about being a priority. I was feeling slighted because he had other plans when I wanted to do something. He thought I was angry, but I told him no, I wasn't angry. I just would like to be considered his first priority occasionally.

His response was that perhaps I didn't recognize how often I *was* a priority. When I thought about it, I realized that I had no idea whether I was being treated as a priority by him at any time. The reason for this is that I do not know what other commitments, obligations or crises are facing him at any given moment. The only thing that I can be sure of is what is in front of me at any given moment.

If he is with me then I am his priority. However, that doesn't mean that when he is not with me that I am not his priority. That depends on the circumstances. All of this depends on what I am thinking at any given moment. The bottom line of all of this is that I am responsible for my feelings and how I choose to react to them. Just as I am responsible for any doubts about my attractiveness, or how I deserve to be treated at any time. If I am treated badly, it is because I allow someone to treat me that way.

Anyone who does not treat you with respect does not deserve to have you in his/her life.

Call Susan, now for your complimentary coaching session today.

Phone 818-414-6032

Susan Sheppard Getting What You Want Relationship Coach Author of the book