You are to me my lifeline
my security.
That scares me.
I never wanted to trust again that much
I got hurt too badly the last time.
I swore I'd never do it again,
never let the trust out of my hands
into someone elses.

And yet I've done it
and now I'm afraid
of what you will do with it,
of what I'll do because of it.

My first instinct is, as always,
to run, to hide,
to protect myself
from the hurt I know will come.
I don't know when or how,
just that it will, sometime.

I wanted to protect myself
to build the walls around me
but you wouldn't let me.
You smashed bricks as I put them in place
you refused to let me shut myself in,
so now what?
Where do I go now?
I feel lost,defenceless,
my hiding place is no more.

My walls are broken
and I'm now afraid to rebuild the walls
afraid I won't see you if I do
or anyone else
and I'm not sure if that's really what I want to do.

AT times it is.
I want to shut myself away and hide,
and yet I want to be out,
to mix
to talk
to share.
And I blame you
for not letting me before shaking me up
for refusing to let me retreat.

And yet I know that if I were not ready
you could not have reached me
no one could.
I would have protected myself better
I wouldn't have risked
or grown.

I want to curse you and thank you
at the same time.
I want to laugh with delight
at the things I've seen
and found with you
and cry in despair for what will not be.

You have opened me to be
what, I'm not yet sure
but I know that I am stronger
because of you
braver, because of you
more, because of you.

Fran Watson "Expert Author" http://www.franwatson.ca http://www.mormunny4u.org http://www.diet-basics.org