How To Be Less Angry In Your Marriage: Part 1- Become Allies
Around Issues
Tom and Mary have been married for 10 years. Both are employed.
Let's listen in on an angry conversation they are having in
their kitchen while making dinner:
--(curtain up)-- Mary: "Would it have killed you to stop off on
your way home to buy me some Valentine flowers?"
Tom:"You should have seen the traffic. It was horrible. I didn't
have time to stop. Besides, last week you never picked up my dry
cleaning like you promised."
Mary: "That's the feeblest excuse I ever heard! I'll tell you
what it REALLY is. You forgot to get me something because you
don't care anymore."
Tom:" How can you say that? I just built that bookcase for you,
didn't I? And didn't I just change the oil in your car last
Saturday?"
Mary:"Fine!" (said with a hollow and sarcastic tone)
Tom:"Anything good on TV tonight?" --(curtain down)--
After this interchange, the children came into the room which
resulted in Mary and Tom focusing on them and thus avoiding each
other the rest of the evening.
Although neither could admit it, they were both miserable and
lonely, wanting to connect with each other but not knowing how.
TURNING EACH OTHER INTO STRANGERS Even though they loved each
other, Mary and Tom had effectively turned each other into
strangers, feeling miles apart emotionally while sitting at the
same table, sleeping in the same bed, and living in the same
house.
Both felt misunderstood, angry, resentful and unappreciated.
TURNING EACH OTHER INTO ENEMIES In contrast, Dennis and Nancy ,
married only 6 months, found themselves constantly at odds with
each other. Let's listen in on their latest fight:
--(curtain up)-- Nancy" You left the toilet seat up again, just
like a little boy. I almost sat in the water at 3AM this
morning."
Dennis:"You would think that an intelligent woman like you would
remember to look to see if the seat was up or down before
sitting down."
Nancy:"You are inconsiderate and selfish and purposely do things
to irritate me."
Dennis (to Nancy):"I forgot! Get off my back."
Dennis (to himself):"Why should I give in her to? Last week she
wouldn't even have sex with me after I bought her that expensive
Valentine's gift." --(curtain down)--
ANGER IS A FALL-BACK POSITION In both these marriages, anger is
seen as "fallback" behavior --what the couple resorted to when
they were unable to express themselves to their partners in any
other way. Their goal wasn't to fight: it was to be heard by the
other, to control the other, or to get the other to change some
problem behavior.
THE CROSSROADS MOMENT Truth is, at any moment in your
relationship with your partner, you can elect to either
antagonize them, alienate them, or turn them into an ally. SOLVE
THE MOMENT-NOT THE PROBLEM Anger in marriage is often generated
by couples trying to solve an unsolvable issue. Many issues are
unsolvable if attacked directly--this is true no matter who you
are married to.
These issues are "perpetual" and successful couples find a way
to be with each other despite these differences.
Rather than demanding change, (which often leads to frustration
and anger),try instead opening up an honest dialogue around the
dispute to develop deeper understanding of why both you and your
partner feel as you do.
Seeing things from their point of view can do wonders to soften
conflicts and decrease tensions, even if the original issue
remains. Often your partner will try harder to change if they
see that you are trying to understand them better. You may also
find that you too try harder to "soften" your anger if you feel
that your partner is trying to understand your feelings around
the issue.
Being on the same side of the issue--allies-- is the key to
dealing with it, even if the actual problem is never solved!