Scales of Injustice
I want to initiate a movement that scales be banned from all
houses occupied by females. This needs to be done immediately to
save men worldwide from facing harrowing experiences with their
wives and girlfriends. Those vile, insensitive and repulsive
machines can change a pleasant day to a rueful one in seconds.
I have seen it happen to often not to speak up. My wife uses
that damn thing weekly. And every time she does so, I hear about
it for the next 10 minutes; or worse than that, if she was
planning on cooking, those plans are aborted. I would rather go
the mall and buy bathroom accessories than be around when I see
the scale being pulled out. If I see her moving toward it, I
take our dog out in the backyard.
A scale does not measure weight. It is mood barometer. If she
weighs more than she did last week, the cats run and hide. If
her weight is the same, it is still potential trouble. If the
scale is in a good mood and reports a lower number than last
week, it still isn't low enough. There should be a switch on
scales to indicate whether a man or woman is using it. And if it
is a woman, the damn thing should start at five to 10 pounds
below zero. Honestly, I would buy this product and pay a premium
for the negative-10 factor.
"I thought for sure I would have lost more weight," she will
grouse. It is a lose-lose situation no matter what. Am I the
only man that experiences the effects of this good-mood
eliminator? It doesn't matter if your woman is overweight,
underweight or at the perfect weight. Forget about the scenario,
because there is no perfect weight for a woman, according to
women. So, it is not just my household. It is a universal issue,
sort of a cosmic-ethereal type of thing.
The only thing worse than my wife using the scale is when she
uses it a second time, thinking that maybe the first reading was
inaccurate. First I hear a profanity sprayed into the room like
it came out of an aerosol dispenser, then I hear grumbling and
the sound of the scale be reset on the floor. I know what's
coming next, but I always cross my fingers, look upward, and
hope for the best. Moments later the profanity escalates. The
first time I heard this commotion I thought her body was
inhabited by a dead, angry sailor looking for a portal to return
among the living.
I think that it is time to bring the federal government into the
picture. This is probably an issue they could work on in
congress or the senate. Maybe slot it in between addressing
excess government spending and eliminating steroid use among
Major League Baseball players. Being a Libertarian I am a
staunch advocate of keeping the government out of things that
could be handled through the private sector. But for men, this
truly is a life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness issue.
Until we find a way to eliminate those little monsters, men
throughout the world are in jeopardy.
Martin Luther King had a dream. So I decided to devise a plan.
My wife exercises frequently, which is a good thing. Using our
elliptical training machine is part of her workout program. I
noticed that when I use the elliptical machine for an extended
period of time, my weight drops six or seven pounds. I realize
it is only a temporary situation and that nearly all the weight
returns after chugging a sports drink. But could you think of
better time to suggest to woman that she weigh herself? I
declared myself a genius. The suggestion I offered to her was
that she should weigh herself immediately after doing this
exercise. She does this for 40 minutes straight and there is
sweat everywhere when she is done. So, she would have to weigh
less after using it like that.
I asked my best friend for his thoughts on my plan. He talked of
nominating me for a Nobel Peace Prize as soon as we got off the
phone. The first time I offered her this suggestion. She was
actually on the elliptical trainer. However, when she got off
it, she immediately gulped down a sports drink and then headed
toward the scale. This was not going to work. So, I told her I
needed help in the kitchen. When she got there she asked what I
needed, and I had no ready response. And then I said, "Do you
think a garbage bag is totally filled when it is three-quarters
full or does it need to be filled to the top?" She gave me a
puzzled look, "That's why you called me into the kitchen?" she
asked, and then walked away. I was hoping the cats or the dog
would have enough sense to hide the scale during my diversion.
Obviously my plan needs some tweaking. But I firmly believe that
if I could get her to step of the elliptical machine directly
onto the scale, it would truly make a difference. I know that I
am not in this weighted dilemma alone.
An engineer friend of mine suggested that a weight scale be
inserted inside the elliptical machine itself and that way women
could actually see their weight plummet. We are incorporating,
forming a partnership and expect the first model to rollout
within a year.
So, until then, men, do your best and remember to run when she
walks toward that damn scale.