Scales of Injustice

I want to initiate a movement that scales be banned from all houses occupied by females. This needs to be done immediately to save men worldwide from facing harrowing experiences with their wives and girlfriends. Those vile, insensitive and repulsive machines can change a pleasant day to a rueful one in seconds. I have seen it happen to often not to speak up. My wife uses that damn thing weekly. And every time she does so, I hear about it for the next 10 minutes; or worse than that, if she was planning on cooking, those plans are aborted. I would rather go the mall and buy bathroom accessories than be around when I see the scale being pulled out. If I see her moving toward it, I take our dog out in the backyard. A scale does not measure weight. It is mood barometer. If she weighs more than she did last week, the cats run and hide. If her weight is the same, it is still potential trouble. If the scale is in a good mood and reports a lower number than last week, it still isn't low enough. There should be a switch on scales to indicate whether a man or woman is using it. And if it is a woman, the damn thing should start at five to 10 pounds below zero. Honestly, I would buy this product and pay a premium for the negative-10 factor. "I thought for sure I would have lost more weight," she will grouse. It is a lose-lose situation no matter what. Am I the only man that experiences the effects of this good-mood eliminator? It doesn't matter if your woman is overweight, underweight or at the perfect weight. Forget about the scenario, because there is no perfect weight for a woman, according to women. So, it is not just my household. It is a universal issue, sort of a cosmic-ethereal type of thing. The only thing worse than my wife using the scale is when she uses it a second time, thinking that maybe the first reading was inaccurate. First I hear a profanity sprayed into the room like it came out of an aerosol dispenser, then I hear grumbling and the sound of the scale be reset on the floor. I know what's coming next, but I always cross my fingers, look upward, and hope for the best. Moments later the profanity escalates. The first time I heard this commotion I thought her body was inhabited by a dead, angry sailor looking for a portal to return among the living. I think that it is time to bring the federal government into the picture. This is probably an issue they could work on in congress or the senate. Maybe slot it in between addressing excess government spending and eliminating steroid use among Major League Baseball players. Being a Libertarian I am a staunch advocate of keeping the government out of things that could be handled through the private sector. But for men, this truly is a life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness issue. Until we find a way to eliminate those little monsters, men throughout the world are in jeopardy. Martin Luther King had a dream. So I decided to devise a plan. My wife exercises frequently, which is a good thing. Using our elliptical training machine is part of her workout program. I noticed that when I use the elliptical machine for an extended period of time, my weight drops six or seven pounds. I realize it is only a temporary situation and that nearly all the weight returns after chugging a sports drink. But could you think of better time to suggest to woman that she weigh herself? I declared myself a genius. The suggestion I offered to her was that she should weigh herself immediately after doing this exercise. She does this for 40 minutes straight and there is sweat everywhere when she is done. So, she would have to weigh less after using it like that. I asked my best friend for his thoughts on my plan. He talked of nominating me for a Nobel Peace Prize as soon as we got off the phone. The first time I offered her this suggestion. She was actually on the elliptical trainer. However, when she got off it, she immediately gulped down a sports drink and then headed toward the scale. This was not going to work. So, I told her I needed help in the kitchen. When she got there she asked what I needed, and I had no ready response. And then I said, "Do you think a garbage bag is totally filled when it is three-quarters full or does it need to be filled to the top?" She gave me a puzzled look, "That's why you called me into the kitchen?" she asked, and then walked away. I was hoping the cats or the dog would have enough sense to hide the scale during my diversion. Obviously my plan needs some tweaking. But I firmly believe that if I could get her to step of the elliptical machine directly onto the scale, it would truly make a difference. I know that I am not in this weighted dilemma alone. An engineer friend of mine suggested that a weight scale be inserted inside the elliptical machine itself and that way women could actually see their weight plummet. We are incorporating, forming a partnership and expect the first model to rollout within a year. So, until then, men, do your best and remember to run when she walks toward that damn scale.