Dump The Bum: Don't Spend Your Life in a Crappy Relationship!
If you spend too much time hurting and not enough time loving
this may be the most important article you could read. Did you
know that some people just don't let themselves have love? They
don't let themselves take the risk or feel vulnerable. Some
people don't love themselves enough to value you if you love
them. Here's how to spot the signs of a hopeless case, using
little known relationship tips.
The truth is that unless a soul is willing to be involved with
you, there is no hope whatsoever for a relationship. No set of
skills you learn from any book, seminar, or TV program can
create a breakthrough when the other does not choose it. Of
course, this can be terribly frustrating for you if you are a
willing partner. It's painful, a lot like hitting your head
against the wall. Nonetheless, all too often we do not listen
when we are told no, because we believe there must be something
more we can do to fix the situation so that our desires prevail.
Each of us wants what we want when we want it, especially when
it comes to relationship, so we tend to ignore the inevitable
and keep on trying. I've done this myself. I may be a therapist,
but I am a woman first and I learned these lessons through
painful firsthand experience.
A man who says, "This relationship doesn't fit into my 20-year
projection," or a woman who tells you, "I leave everybody with
whom I get involved," is telling you that he or she is not
available. And that's the truth. Most likely this person has
chosen your relationship with its current limitations because it
didn't have long-term potential in his or her mind. It doesn't
matter how great the sex is, how attractively you dress, or how
well you get along, the day will come when you will hit a nasty
wall of resistance. You may even hit the wall right after you
attain an amazing state of ecstatic union. Then, out of the
blue, everything will come to a screeching halt. When suddenly
your love interest informs you, "It's over," it's super
important to listen to what is being said to you and heed the
message. Otherwise you are in for deeper disappointment.
True communion in relationship is terrifying to the hidden part
of us that's responsible for our safety and survival. If we love
deeply and surrender to love, fear naturally arises. Opening up
to another being tends to bring up old wounds from the past,
especially childhood. The survival system can be stronger than
the human heart. Its only interest is in protecting us from
getting hurt by anyone or anything. For some of us, the
possibility of establishing a profound connection poses perhaps
the biggest threat. It may trigger us to feel "not good enough,"
"engulfed," "not perfect," and so on. The fire of passion is
literally too hot for many people to handle, so they run away.
Without making the soul choice to hang in there and face the
fire, our desired connections don't stand a chance.
There are definite relationship tips you can use to let you
know that you have snagged someone afraid of connection. See if
these sound familiar:
1. After the sexual excitement has died down a bit your lover
becomes elusive.
2. Your love interest starts avoiding opportunities to get
together, and when you mention it you are called a "complainer."
3. Any mention on your part of moving into more commitment is
met with evasion, "Do what you need to do for yourself. Don't
worry about me."
4. Your partner develops a roving eye. Sitting at a dinner table
you see your beloved watching everyone that passes.
5. The sexual interest dies between you. You express a desire
for more affection and are told that you are "too pushy."
It doesn't matter what techniques you use in a relationship.
Unless there is an awakening of consciousness and a desire to
increase the level of intimacy, there cannot be a breakthrough.
In my therapeutic practice I have watched women spend ten years
with men who were terrified of being abandoned but had no
intention of getting married. When push comes to shove this type
of man chooses his freedom over the woman. He is often too
concerned with what he could miss out on later to commit to
today.
Different relationship patterns can get in the way of deepening
intimacy. I have seen men and women spend 30 years trying to
find Mr. or Ms. Right, and no one was ever good enough. If this
type is your partner, you won't be good enough either. You can
beg a workaholic partner to come home and put your relationship
first for decades, only to bury this type of mate before the
request is honored. You can also consume five years trying to
get a partner to join you in a grounded, forward-moving
relationship to no avail, and forfeit just as many years of
effort trying to establish a significant relationship with a
love interest who is only attracted to the unavailable.
Relationships can be used as vessels for growth and healing, but
only between willing partners.
A 45-year-old man grew up under the domination of an angry,
controlling mother. As an adult, he continued waging battle
against his mother by never committing to one woman. In a series
of monogamous relationships, he provoked a long stream of women
to become hostile and demanding, just like his mother, until the
day came when each one could not stand any more and left him in
disgust. What he didn't realize was that his past was ruling his
life and that love would elude him forever unless he dealt with
his wounds. His latest girlfriend, a woman who wanted to
understand her patterns, brought him to my office. She asked me
to help her decide whether or not to stay in it, or break it off.
The man was the eternal "nice guy" who would do anything for
his woman, except commit. Each of his previous girlfriends only
knew this side of him, because he was a chameleon. His defiance
of her was never put in her face. It was subtle, insidious,
behind-the-back stuff, nothing she could put her finger on. He
seemed to be there, in the relationship, except he wasn't really
there. He told his new love interest that he was keeping his
connections with the other women because he didn't like to hurt
people. He insisted that he wasn't stringing anyone along . . .
it was just that he had never found the one woman to whom he
could commit. His fears were sabotaging the relationship.
My client had been replaying a traumatic childhood scene of her
own with the boyfriend. In relationship with him, she basically
was trying to get her abandoning father not to leave. Her dad
had walked out on her family when she was a small child, never
to be seen again. Both she and her boyfriend were full-grown
adults, yet when it came to love they were hopelessly locked in
a painful cycle of tug of war. She was sabotaging her happiness
by trying to persuade an unavailable man to love her.
Remember: There are no bad guys here. Sometimes we're ready for
things and sometimes we are not. A sign that you are personally
unready is that you continue choosing people who are also not
available when you check below the surface. Or if they are
available, you "make" them not good enough, or tell yourself,
"Not now." If you are on the receiving end of a message of
reluctance, hang in there for a little while in case your love
interest becomes more comfortable. Seek help in processing your
feelings if you must. But if you find your self-esteem draining
from you while you wait, or you feel less and less valued by
your mate, it is time to "cut bait" (break up), toss "the fish"
(your partner) back into the sea, and walk away.
There are more easy-to-apply relationship tips and tools you
can use to create commitment in what looks like hopeless cases.
Go to: The Passion Principle: Discover Your Passion Signature
and the Secrets to Deeper Relationships in Love, Life and Work .
Here's one final thought. If you are in a loving relationship,
it is vital that managing the relationship and growing in the
relationship become your two highest priorities. You must be
honest and diligent, take responsibility for your own energy,
feelings, thoughts, and defenses, and try to understand your
impact on your partner. This last item matters most when things
are going wrong or you want to deepen your connection. These are
keys to unleashing romantic passion.