The Chinese Government is rumored to distribute laptops to all its citizens in an attempt to nip over-population in the bud (or rather, seed). Ok, perhaps socialism hasn't come along this far, but recent studies do indicate that laptop use may hurt sperm production in young adult males permanently.

What You Say?

It's true, "teenage boys and young men may consider limiting their use of laptop computers on their laps," quipped Yefim Sheynkin, the lead researcher of an interesting (though somewhat sparse, yuk yuk) study on the effects laptops have on scrotal temperatures and sperm counts. When a laptop is balanced on one's knees, the user is forced to close their legs together, raising scrotal temperatures by an average of 2.1 degrees celsius (3.8 F). Internal laptop temperatures can soar to 70 degrees celsius (158 F). The result is higher scrotal temperatures in males by around 2.7 degrees celsius (4.86 F), according to Sheynkin's study on 29 brave male volunteers.

Someone Set Up Us the Bomb

Are you thinking what I'm thinking, that the US government (the same monster that somehow puts poisons in plane jetstreams to kill off the elderly) was behind the advent of the laptop computer in order to control population? If so, your medication might be just a placebo. Whatever the case, studies show that 1 degree celsius is the minimal difference for inhibited spermatogenisis (sperm production). Although damage is temporary in most cases, habitual and prolonged laptop use might cause permanent damage. Sheynkin said: "The body needs to maintain a proper testicular temperature for normal sperm production and development. We don't know the exact frequency and time of heat exposure capable of producing reversible or irreversible changes in spermatogenesis."

You Have No Chance to Survive, Make Your Time

Ok, so as inconclusive as this study seems, it is an established truth that heat is bad for the little guys. Not only this, but laptops are just plain uncomfortable. There is a solution out there. I have come accross the Xpad Heatshield, a handy new item that shields your lap from uncomfortable laptop heat and channels heat away quickly. Perhaps the most energy consuming device in a laptop is the cooling fan. I have found that when I use my Xpad with my powerbook, the battery life increases, probably by about 20% or so. Plus, I have heard that putting your laptop on a soft surface (like a pillow) inhibits heat dissipation, damaging your laptop's battery permanently. Xpad protects our batteries, our posterity, and passively protests the government's evil conspiracies.

The Xpad is simple in design. It is a solid base with raised rubber pads (in the shape of an "X) that raise the laptop by a little less than an inch. It allows heat to escape quite easily while gripping your laptop firmly to the base. A pad on the bottom makes it comfortable for your lap.

Cameron Postelwait works in business development at Sewell Direct, carriers of the Xpad Laptop Heatshield, and the USB to Serial Adapter.