What impression do outsiders get when they call your business?

Is it a welcoming greeting such as "Thank you for calling The Office Organiser, this is Lorraine", or do they hear:

"Lorraine's phone"
"Hold the line" (before you even speak)
"Hold the line please" (before you have even opened your mouth)
"Lorraine speaking" (doesn't even mention the name of the business)
or they speak so fast you miss the name of the organisation and have to check you rang the right number.
Sometimes the initial contact has been positive only to be let down when the person has said:

"Hold the line for a tick/sec"
"I need to find a piece of paper to write your message down"
"Can you hold on while I find a pen"
"Just a tick, I'll pop you on hold"
"Alright, I'll see if she's available"
How to Effortlessly Lose Business
Recently my 22 year old had three weeks off from her job as a flight attendant. She wanted to book into a health retreat for a few days.

As her mother, I was very excited by this, as it