88. Place a monument or marker at the site of the grave to show honor for the deceased. The American Jewish community customarily sets the marker in place around the time of the first Yahrzeit, about a year after the conclusion of shiva.

89. Understand that some Jewish authorities consider that placing a marker before a year has passed implies that the memory of the deceased is quickly fading. Strict Jewish law requires that this be done as soon as possible after shiva is concluded. Placing the marker officially ends the formal mourning period.

90. Note that the monument is dedicated by the family at a ceremony of "unveiling" held at the graveside. Usually this service is similar to the service of burial but shorter. It consists of the reading of psalms and prayers, the chanting of the memorial prayer El Malei Rachamim, and (if a minyan is present) the recital of the Mourner's Kaddish. A Rabbi or Cantor leads this service for you or gives you assistance in preparing to lead it yourself.

91. Realize that the unveiling ceremony marks a transition from the year of grief and mourning, to the new year of recovery. When the following two statements can be made with fullness of heart, the time is right to schedule the unveiling service: We miss you and we love you. We are all right.

92. Seek help from your Rabbi when these two statements cannot be made honestly. This means that there are normal grief issues still present which must still be resolved.

93. Talk with the cemetery administration where the deceased is interred to assist you in locating firms which fashion monuments and markers. The firm usually provides a form on which to write what you wish to appear.

94. Determine what you want written on the monument. This may include the English and Hebrew names of the deceased, the date of death according to Western and Hebrew calendars, and abbreviations of traditional Hebrew phrases expressing honor to the deceased. See the glossary under "Memorial phrases" for suggestions.

95. Ask your Rabbi to assist in preparing this form and in making certain that the Hebrew names and phrases are the correct ones. Ask the monument firm if they provide you with a final copy of what will be engraved on the monument for your approval and how they ensure that it will be ready on time.

96. Recite the memorial service of Yizkor on four occasions during the course of the year. . They are the afternoon of Yom Kippur, the eighth day of Sukkot (Shemini Atzeret), the last day of Passover, and the second day of Shavuot. At each of these services mourners gather to honor the memory of those whom they have lost, to hear the memorial prayer El Malei Rachamim chanted, and to recite the Mourner's Kaddish.

97. Acknowledge the anniversary of the death according to the Hebrew calendar each year. Do this by reciting the Mourner's Kaddish and lighting a candle which will burn for twenty four hours. This observance is called Yahrzeit.

98. Say Kaddish in the synagogue on the preceding Shabbat when the name of the deceased is announced as well as on the actual day. Some synagogues reserve a special aliya on Shabbat mornings for all those whose Yahrzeit falls during the following week.

99. Recognize that many congregations notify members of the date of the Yahrzeit in advance. Those same synagogues may also read at the end of every evening service the names of those whose Yahrzeit falls during the coming day.

Rabbi Mel Glazer is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist who can help you navigate these difficult waves of emotion. He has served pulpits in the United States, Canada, and Johannesburg, South Africa. Feel free to call upon him for guidance when making difficult decisions. He is also available to officiate at funerals for your loved ones anywhere in America. His phone number is 1.877. LECHAIM. (1.877.532.4246)

Rabbi Mel Glazer http://www.yourgriefmatters.com