Many of the couples with whom I work have become experts on the many faults of their partner.

And just in case their partner forgets about any of them, they are more than willing to remind them. Often and in detail.

This one is so prevalent that I heard a comedian the other day saying that he was practicing to be married by bringing up, for absolutely no reason at all, things he had messed up in the past. Just in case you are wondering, this door swings both ways, it was just a male comedian who I heard.

This pattern of behavior comes out of the mistaken notion that "if I just criticize someone enough, she'll really want to change."

Quite the opposite is true. A regular diet of even small criticisms can drain the lifeblood out of any relationship. It's like death by a thousand cuts.

A solution to criticism

On a daily basis, find something to appreciate about your spouse. And then make the radical move of telling them. I know, it feels really hard sometimes. The key here is that everyone likes to be appreciated. The best part is that appreciation feels so good that we want to do more good things to get more appreciation.

Now that is a nice cycle to set up.

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.