We keep getting into power struggles with our teenager. Even when we win, it feels like we all lose. What can we do differently without backing down?

A. That's an excellent and often-asked question. You are right on target when you say that it feels like everyone loses, even when you "win."

Most power struggles between parents and teen-agers are a lose/lose proposition.

Remember the commercial a few years back that had the two rams repeatedly butting heads on top of a mountain? The slogan was "Dodge Trucks are ram tough!" Even though they have horns to butt heads with, it always looked quite painful to me.

I believe it's the same way when parents and teens butt heads.

When parents and teens butt heads

So where in the world did we get the idea that the parent-teen relationship is a struggle in which one side has to win and the other side lose?

One of the greatest sources of power struggles is the belief that not only does each side have to win each battle, they have to battle over each and every issue that arises.

The parents have bought into the mistaken belief that they always have to "win" in order to be good parents.

In the passion, exuberance and "wisdom" of youth, the teen believes that every battle is a fight for independence that must be won at all costs.

Visit http://www.ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. For regular weekly tips you can subscribe to our f-ree Parenting Your Teenager Newsletter. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring.