As a relationship coach, I am often asked by women why their partners cheated on them or why their men won't set a wedding date. "After all", they tell me, "we're in a committed relationship". Maybe you've been there. In every case I ask these women, "what do you call a committed relationship?"

To most women, commitment looks like this: you date, you become exclusive, you have sex. Therefore you are in a committed relationship, right?

Actually, even if you are committed, your partner is probably not. Assuming that if you're committed then your partner is committed is probably the main cause of dating problems today.

A COMMITTED PARTNER IS NOT THE SAME AS A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP

Remember, there's a big difference between being committed, and being in a committed relationship. It takes two people to have a relationship. And it takes two people, both of whom are committed, to have a committed relationship.

What, then, is the definition of commitment? A good model already exists. It is the marriage vows most couples recite during weddings. "For better and worse, in sickness and in health, etc." Total commitment means that you'll stay in the relationship no matter what comes along.

Realistically, few of us really are willing to commit totally. Total commitment would mean staying even through physical abuse, severe mental disorders, or chronic infidelity.

Therefore, most of us define commitment as staying in a relationship unless something extreme happens. Each of us has his/her own definition of extreme, but the intention is to have a permanent relationship.

MAYBE YOU ARE IN A PRECOMMITTED RELATIONSHIP

You've been dating exclusively and have had sex. You consider yourself committed, but you're not sure about him. He never says words of commitment, he doesn't offer a ring and a wedding date, and he never talks about your future together.

According to many of us relationship coaches, your man is probably in the pre-commitment stage. If either one of you is in the relationship until someone better comes along, you are in a pre-committed relationship.

In the pre-commitment stage, your partner can be faithful ,he can act like the two of you are a couple, he can even tell you he loves you. But, if he won't verbalize his desire for a permanent relationship and isn't willing to "go public" with that desire, then he's just pre-committed. And pre-committed means that you're number one in his life-until someone better comes along.

It may be discouraging to hear, but you're wasting your time planning for your future together unless there's clear evidence of commitment by both partners. Committed relationships can't exist unless and until both people commit.

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Dr. Alan Stafford, Relationship Results Coach I help Singles and Couples build relationships that work www.relationshipsuccessexperts.com

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