The statistics on relationships are depressing: in California alone, the average marriage lasts just 5 years. Nationwide, 43% of marriages end within 15 years. Second and third marriages end in divorce 60-70% of the time. Clearly, how we handle our relationships is not working. And yet, 94% of young adults in one study said that having a good marriage is extremely important to them. So, what can you do?

We researched much of current the literature on relationships and have condensed the results into just a few key concepts. These principles seem to be the common denominators in happy, successful marriages. See how many you can identify in your relationship.

1. It starts with you

To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, you are as happy as you make up your mind to be. Research has shown that happiness is a state of being, not of having or doing or achieving. Nor is happiness a destination. People often say, "I just want to be happy" or "I just want to have a happy marriage" as if that is a future goal or place in time. The problem is, they never get there. That's because the future is... in the future. And the only true destination is your final day on earth. And then it's too late. So make the decision to be happier starting today.

There's a relationship benefit as well. The happier you are with yourself and your life, the more attractive you are to your partner. Another way to look at this is: if you were someone else, would you marry you? Start today to work on being the kind of person you would want to know, to date, and to marry. If you're not that kind of person now, how can you expect your spouse to stay attracted or stay passionate?

2. There's you, there's him/her, and then there's "we".

You don't have to give up your identity or be known solely as your spouse's partner.

It also doesn't work when two people each do their own thing without regard to their partner's wishes and feelings. Marriage is, and should be, more than cohabitation. As the marriage vows state, "two shall be as one". That "one" is neither you nor him. The "one" is a third entity: the relationship, the marriage, the "we".

The "we" is what you share, what you have in common, the support and nurturing that you cannot give yourself. Think companionship, intimacy, and sharing.

3. You leave behind your emotional baggage

Are you really over your previous relationship? If not, you can't fully commit to your spouse. Likewise, if you are still Daddy's little girl or Mommy's boy, you are not in control of your own life. Therefore, you cannot fully enter into an adult relationship of mutual sharing and support. You can't be accountable to your spouse if you still have to please Mommy or Daddy.

You can't reach new heights as a person as long as you're dragging around your emotional suitcases. And, it's not fair to your partner. If you're dating but not in a committed relationship right now, consider a time out while you unpack those bags and resolve those issues that keep you from being your own man or woman. If you are committed, a relationship coach can help you stow your baggage so you can be there completely for your partner.

4. The marriage comes first

Marriage is supposed to be the strongest bond between two people. Parents come and go; children grow and leave. Your spouse is only person to stay with you the rest of your time on this planet.

Women who say their children come first, usually can never let the children grow up and become independent adults because then the primary relationship in these women's lives would end. So the children never emotionally leave home and are forever dependent on the parent. This delights the women because they are not willing to have their children grow up emotionally and become independent adults.

Women who say their children come first also seem so surprised when their mates eventually decide to leave for someone else who WILL put them first. And finally, when children are the center of a women's life, and the children eventually leave, the woman typically feels lost. Her reason for existing the last 18-22 years has just moved out. And if she should turn to her partner after a 20 year emotional abscense, it's like going to your high school reunion. You used to know them but its not the same now because they've changed.

When partners put the marriage first, friends, relatives, and acquaintences are still important but they're not primary. The man and woman, as the principals in the relationship, are the combined heads of their household. As such they look to eath other-and no one else-for their primary comfort and support.

5. Your marriage is your top priority.

You didn't get married to commute two hours a day, work at the office 60 hours a week, and pay on a mortgage for 30 years, did you? You probably got married to share your life-not your bills-with that special someone. During life's ups and especially during life's downs, keep in mind why you married in the first place. It wasn't so you could get a better job, buy a better car, or obsess over your favorite sports team. Once upon a time, your partner was the most important thing in this world to you. If you value your relationship, he or she still is. Start acting like it again today and every day.

6. Don't compare

This holds true in your life as well as in your marriage. There will always be a couple that seems happier, wealthier, sexier, and more perfect than you two are. So what? Their happiness doesn't increase or diminish your happiness. Neither does their money, their jobs, their house, or their prettiness. All that matters is whether you for you.

7. Don't wonder "what if?"

Wondering what it would be like to be with another person-for a night or for a lifetime-is self-delusion and is really unfair to your spouse. You see other people socially when they are at their best. You see your spouse when he/she is at his best, her average, and sometimes at her worst. If you could swap mates, guess what? You'd see that person at his/her worst, and you probably wouldn't like what you see. You already have a lot invested in your partner. Take care of that investment. The payoff is usally greater than starting all over again.

8. Realize that love can grow.

As much as you were in love when you got married, your love and commitment to each other can grow over the years. Despite all the old married jokes and cliches, marriage can get better, not worse, with time. The longer you've been married, the more history you have together.The triumphs and disappointments, the successes and the failures, all are part of sharing a life together. And that history is unique to you. No one else has that or can duplicate it. This is why a man who leaves his middle aged wife for a younger woman eventually wants to come back. With his wife he has a history-a shared past. With the new woman there is only the present. Leaving his wife permanently is like leaving himself behind as well. Since she is a part of his past, she is the best person to be a part of his future.

9. Commitment means "no matter what".

It's as simple as making the decision to be totally committed to your spouse and to the relationship. No matter what happens: financially, health wise, or otherwise. No matter what. Once the two of you have decided to stay "no matter what", there is no question of stay or go, yes or no.

Write this down: "ALL RELATIONSHIPS HAVE ISSUES". Happy relationships always have issues. Unhappy relationships certainly have issues. It's just that in happy relationships, the couples identify the issues, negotiate the issues, and come to terms with the issues. Couples in unhappy relationships deny, ignore, put up, or run away. Once the two of you have made the decision "no matter what" the emphasis is on the we. And, since we is not you and not him, the only positions "we" have are the ones you've decided together. In short, all problems are negotiable because there are no his problems or her problems. When one partner has a problem, just having the problem should be a problem for the other partner. Therefore, all problems are shared problems. Their problems require their solutions.

10. Believe that a happy marriage is not only possible, it's yours for the making.

It won't happen by itself. It takes intention, commitment, and practice. But the many couples who have happy, blissful, and satisfying marriages are proof that it is possible. Just choose to be happy, and choose to be happily married. Yes, you'll still have to work at it. But the rewards are so much greater than the effort. Besdies, being single and looking takes effort; being divorced and looking again takes effort. Spend the effort inside your marriage and stay married. Happily married.

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Dr. Alan Stafford, Relationship Results Coach I help Singles and Couples build relationships that work www.relationshipsuccessexperts.com

Click here to ask Alan a question about your biggest relationship issue http://relationshipsuccessexperts.com/askalan.htm

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