Can you tell me how often this month you have seen prominently featured the word SUCCESS? I'll bet you answer, "Lots!" Are there other words, on the opposite side of the coin which we are reluctant to mouth for fear of self-fulfilling prophesy? Don't let's be coy about this, I do believe there are words we want to use as little as possible or not at all and only a few of those are expletives! But I also believe that disappointment is a part of our lives, our personal and professional development. An essential part of success is how we deal with disappointment.

I came to North America to join a company with 3 years of work. Eight months later the regional economy collapsed and I was laid-off. A few short months later a family member far too young and far too close to me was diagnosed with cancer. Many around us seemed to know our plight, how I don't know as we kept it very private. When asked how we were, there was only one answer, "Great! Thank-you, and how are you?" Martin and Nesta were thought quite wonderful because of their gutsy response to this tough situation. Time passed. After questioning this reaction as being essentially dishonest I began to share instead how life really was. "Pretty awful, " Yep, it's tough" became the norm. And I learned two lessons. Firstly, most people don't really want to know about our troubles. They have sufficient of their own. Secondly, dwelling on one's hard luck story is an energy drain leading to increasing despondency. Have you ever been able to lift your spirits by focussing on the negative?

Is it important to have someone in one's life with whom to share the truth about a disappointment? Absolutely, but take care to choose wisely. In particular I suggest you seek these two characteristics. Firstly discretion. Secondly choose someone with the courage not to allow you to wallow in your disappointment. Acknowledge it? Sure! Learn from it ? Definitely! Is the right person a spouse or life-partner? Probably not; that person already has too much anxiety of their own. By the same token he or she might need their own confidant(e). There is another potential pitfall here of course. I would suggest it wise to ensure that this relationship with your confidant(e) is not a secret one!

As coaches we sometimes invite clients who have had a major disappointment to vent as much as they like for two minutes without interruption. That's the limit however, after that we turn to solutions. Is whining inspirational? Not at all! Are solutions motivational ? You bet! For many people today, an accountability partner is the one person in their lives who is totally for them, totally unafraid to provide the shot-in -the-arm, to ask the tough questions, the stimulating questions.

If you are wallowing in a major disappointment right now, what might some extraction strategies be ?.

Here are some of the strategies which work for me:

a) Working on my brain is really important. There's a little voice in there which doesn't always support me the way I'd like and I have to ensure I squelch it on those occasions. That internal saboteur will tell me anything which might make me feel less good about myself. I've found it very helpful to talk back to it - and order it to stop. I've found it very helpful to focus on my successes.

b) I use goal statements in the present tense and after hearing Michael Losier, Allowing Statements too. These attest to the successes already achieved by the stars of speaking and coaching. I know what I want and I know that others have already done it. I can do it too! I read these twice a day at the beginning of each morning and each afternoon. I read them aloud, and with emotion!!

c) Nutrition is so important. What are you eating and does it provide you with

d) Physical exercise is one of my keys. Get those endorphins going. A run, a swim, a brisk walk, a vigorous bike ride, a game of squash, a work-out at the gym, skiing, or an aerobics class followed by a hot shower is an infallible recipe for feeling better! Do I have to remind you of the need to get your doctor's input if exercise has not been part of your life?

e) There is another key too and this one is magic: laughter! What makes you laugh out loud ? What makes those tears of mirth stream down your cheeks? My sense of humour is somewhat saucy, some might say warped (in the nicest possible way!) or zany: I love double entendres and so the politically incorrect Benny Hill , sadly deceased, is one of my favourites. Who or what makes you laugh and is their material conveniently to hand?

In closing therefore I want to suggest that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with disappointment. The pitfalls lie in how we deal with it. Do any of today's ideas resonate for you or do you have your own infallible recipes? My challenge today is that you will put together your own contingency plan for moving from disappointment back onto the renewal road which leads most directly to success - and the next time disappointment strikes, use it!

(c)Martin Sawdon, 20th October, 2002

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Martin Sawdon of Coaching-Works! has a passion for the creation of super-successful organizations - Sustainable Workplaces