The game of Monopoly frustrated me when I was young. I don't think I ever won a game. I remember drawing one of the "Chance" cards while playing with my older brother. It said, "Go Directly To Jail." I put the card at the bottom of the little deck, and said, "I want a different card." My brother said that I couldn't do that, it was against the rules. He looked at the card I had drawn and took my "man" and put him in Jail. I said, "I don't want to go to Jail," and took my man and held him in my hand. My brother told me to put him back in Jail, and to play by the rules. Incredulous, I held my man tight, and asked a great question: "Who made these rules anyway?"

Rules are often useful. If you're playing Monopoly, there are rules that each player must follow. In fact, it is the rules of Monopoly that define the game itself. If you have a deck of cards, there are literally thousands of games you can play with that same deck of cards. Each game is defined by its rules.

If you are driving a car, there are rules to follow. If you follow the rules of driving, then you avoid getting a ticket or in an accident (as long as other drivers are following the same rules).

In our individual lives we adopt which rules we live by. I drive a car, and for the most part, follow the rules of the road, both legal and common sense. I make money doing my job, and I pay the taxes I owe. These are rules I have adopted. I notice that I conduct my life by the rules I adopt. I also notice that there are some rules that are unconscious. Somewhere, at sometime, I learned a particular rule, adopted it and then forgot about it. Such a rule still defines my life because my life continues to be directed by it, albeit unconsciously.

I spoke with a client this morning who was feeling distressed about some circumstances in his life. A long-time friend of his has a habit of being late for dates or appointments they make with each other. My client had mentioned this to his friend, but it seemed to make no difference in his tardiness. "He sometimes calls me right at the time we are supposed to meet to tell me that he'll be leaving in about twenty minutes," my frustrated client said. "I've tried just leaving without hooking up with him. Now he is calling me to see if I'm still going to be there before he leaves. I feel so angry and dismissed"

I asked my client this question: "If your friend is breaking one of your rules by behaving this way, what does that rule say?" He thought for a moment. "My rule is that punctuality is an indicator of the other person's importance."

I asked him the same question that came to me in that Monopoly game many years ago: "Who made this rule anyway?"

While there are many rules that are necessary and useful, there are just as many (maybe more!) that aren't. Such rules may have made sense at one point in time, and now they don't. They have outworn their usefulness. Unconscious, unspoken, unacknowledged rules run our lives until we notice them and question their authority and benefit.

"Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules."
- Ashleigh Brilliant

"The problem I see with your rule," I said to my client, "is that you pin your importance upon the actions of another. No wonder you feel angry. Your rule takes your sense of personal importance out of your hands. Is it possible for punctuality to be an important value to you AND not make you unimportant if someone is late?" By noticing and articulating this previously unexamined rule by which he lived, my client was able to be in his life with more peace.

I am not suggesting that we abandon the rule of law, or common sense, or even our own ethical code. I am suggesting that there are some rules we have adopted in our lives that run us in ways that are no longer useful or healthy. Any rule, if it remains unconscious and unexamined, keeps you under its thumb.

"There ain't no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something."
- Thomas Edison

I don't think Edison was disparaging of all rules in saying this