Proper behavior on a date.

A formal date can mean different things to different people -- a night out on the town, a Broadway play, a lavish meal, an intellectually stimulating encounter. Sometimes a date can mean nothing more than just getting out of the house. However, not observing proper etiquette can turn the courting process into something it should never mean to anyone -- total disaster.

When calling a girl for a date, for instance, it is improper for a guy to reverse the charges. This could give the girl the impression that he's somewhat of a cheap guy. And this may not necessarily be so. The reason he may be calling collect is because he needs the only two rolls of quarters he has for some video games. But she may not know this. (And it would be best that he not explain it to her.)

The proper thing for a guy to do is to pay for the call. And, if calling from a pay phone is necessary, he should always have extra change at hand just in case the conversation runs a little longer than expected. If the girl's mother is known to talk a lot, he should have at least thirty dollars worth of quarters with him. If he doesn't use up all the change, she's probably adopted.

It is improper for the girl to ask what kind of car the guy drives in order to decide whether or not to go out with him. However, if his first name is Lee, it is not out of line to ask if his last name happens to be Iacocca. If he says "yes," to avoid possible embarrassment after a two hour conversation, she should verify that he has the right number. If he does, she should skip the conversation and just ask, "What time are you picking me up?"

If the guy claims to be a Colonel, and says his initials are MQ, it is in the girl's interest to ask if he happens to be in charge of a country called Lybia. If he says "maybe," she should tell him he reached a wrong number in Krakatoa. If he says a definite "yes," she should tell him he reached the Union of Organized Crime Families, and if he doesn't hang up in ten seconds she'll send someone over to fit him with a pair of cement shoes.

When arriving for the first time at a girl's house and she is not yet ready, the guy should patiently make casual conversation with her parents. (If she lives with her parents, that is. If she doesn't, he should not ask to use her phone just to call them.) Showing a lack of interest in her parents and appearing too eager to just pick her up and leave would probably not lie in his best interest. But under no circumstances should he ask her father, "Can you lend me twenty dollars? I'm a little short today. I'll pay you back at the wedding."

If by some stroke of stupidity he already made the mistake of asking her father for money, the only thing to do at that point is to closely observe the father's reaction, this should tell the guy where he stands. If the father whispers something into the mother's ear, the father doesn't like him. If the father asks the guy where he's taking their daughter and what time she can be expected home, the father doesn't trust him. If the father reaches into his (own) pocket and pulls out forty dollars instead of twenty, then asks the guy what color table cloth goes well with a white tuxedo, if it's a blind date, the guy is in one big heap of trouble.

It is not right for a girl who is being picked up by a date to allow her aunt and uncle to drop by under the pretense of running "out of tea bags" and for the express purpose of interrogating the guy for hours to see whether he is "financially stable" and "worthy of our niece." Such charades are usually obvious from the outset anyway. The aunt and uncle being dressed in formal attire is usually a dead giveaway. What kind of tea were they planning to make? A Lipton cuisine? It's even more obvious if the guy happens to know that the girl's only aunt and uncle live as far away as Albuquerque. Where did they run out of tea bags? At home? On the plane? Or in the cab from the airport?

On the other hand, even if expecting a few questions concerning one's livelihood when picking up a date, it is still considered in poor taste for the guy to bring along his accountant and financial statements. However, it is okay for him to sew a microfilm of his W2 forms of the past four years into a lapel just in case her relatives get really rough.

When the guy and the girl finally leave her house, he should open the car door for her. If he doesn't have a car and they take the subway, he should disregarded this custom and allow the subway conductor to open the doors. Getting arrested can really ruin a date.

Taking a girl to an exquisite restaurant is fine. But ordering every over-priced item on the menu just to impress a date with one's limitless cash reserves (and perhaps with the ability to pronounce certain menu items), is overdoing it a bit. If she were really that interested in money she'd have gone out with his orthodontist. (If the guy is an orthodontist, he should always take a girl to a pizza shop on the first date. If the relationship survives, she's not after his money. If she keeps going back to the pizza shop without him or his money, he picked on some strange girl who likes pizza more than anything else in the world.)

By the same token, the girl should not be too eager to order everything on the menu as to become the cause of the guy's overspending. He may not really be able to afford it. The fact that he drives a Caddy and wears a fancy suit doesn't necessarily mean he's rolling in dough. Caddys can be bought on "payments" or rented, and suits can be charged to credit cards. In this respect, appearances can indeed be very deceiving. If you took away everything people do not actually own, many aspects of life would undergo drastic changes. Weddings would certainly never be the same. Brides would probably wear leotards, grooms would dress in faded jeans, and wedding guests would wear shorts. Rock stars would ride around on stretch-bicycles. Traffic in midtown Manhattan would be reduced to one car per ten square blocks, and no longer would crossing the street be considered a bold and courageous act. Traffic Department tow trucks would have to resort to towing away baby carriages and shopping carts just to keep up their image as a public nuisance.

Of course, some false appearances of being well-to-do are not exactly accidents. Deliberate exaggeration sometimes plays a major role in this deceptive process. But with a keen and alert mind, a girl should be able to weed out some of the misinformation being fed to her. For example, when a guy says he owns a Porsche, two private jets, and a UFO, that should be a good tip-off. Why would one person need two jets?

But even if the guy can very well afford to buy everything on the menu, there is no need to encourage expensive, price-gouging restaurants. For the kind of exorbitant prices some restaurants charge, the waiter should go home with you and serve breakfast in bed for two weeks, or the management should at least allow you to take home your table and chairs. If you also had dessert, you should be allowed to take home the curtains too. Why shouldn't you get your money's worth? It is quite disheartening to know that for the price of two steaks in one of New York's "finer" restaurants you can buy an entire bull in Mexico and have enough money left over to build an arena around it.

If entertainment is on the agenda for the evening, it is of utmost importance that the couple agrees on something mutually enjoyable. There are methods of compromising without totally relinquishing preferences. For instance, if the couple has finally narrowed the entertainment options down to a movie but just can't agree on which one, they might want to look for a sixplex theater. This way, they can each see different movies yet still be in the same building. But the guy should refrain from running back and forth with the popcorn. This may disturb other patrons.

When taking the girl home at the end of the evening, it is proper for the guy to walk her to the door. If he had a good time, it is okay to show interest in setting up another date. But he should not ask, "What are you doing for breakfast?" At least enough time should be allowed for her aunt and uncle to return to Albuquerque. If, on the other hand, he did not enjoy the evening, and has no intentions of going out with her again, simply dropping her off is sufficient -- it would be totally out of line for him to tie a name-and-address tag to her coat button, drop her off at some random corner, and say, "If you can read, you'll make it home." This kind of thing just isn't done.

No girl should call all her friends the next day and tell them every last detail about the date -- where they went, what they did, every word they spoke, etc. A guy's privacy should be respected. If it's really all that exciting, she should write it down and submit it to a television studio as an idea for a mini series. For a twenty percent cut, most guys will give up their privacy.

If the date was a pleasant and enjoyable experience, it would probably be a good idea for the guy to send the girl flowers shortly thereafter. A more novel approach might be to send the flowers with a singing telegram of such hit songs as "You and Me" and "Almost Paradise." If her feelings turn out to coincide with his, it could be the start of a long and meaningful relationship. However, if she returns a singing telegram of the songs "Against All Odds" and "Dust in the Wind," he would be well advised to once more begin looking through his little black book. And next time, stick to a candy-gram.

Josh Greenberger from shopndrop.com.

About the Author:

Josh Greenberger: A computer consultant for over two decades, the author has developed software for such organizations as NASA's Goddard Institute of Space Studies, AT&T, Charles Schwab, Bell Laboratories and Chase Manhattan Bank. Since 1984, the author's literary works have appeared in such periodicals as The New York Post, The Daily News, The Village Voice, The Jewish Press, and others. His articles have ranged from humor to scientific to topical events.