The other day, I was talking with a girlfriend who is in a process of getting divorced from her husband after 30 years of marriage. After listening to her complaints for 30 minutes, she declared, "I will never forgive him" for this, "I will never forgive him" for that. Now, I can totally understand her frustration.

However, what I do not understand is: What is she trying to accomplish, by declaring, "I will never forgive him. Is she trying to punish him by holding grudges forever? If she wants to hold grudges and not forgive him, whom is she hurting? She is definitely not hurting him because he does not know anything about it.

So, who is really getting hurt if she does not forgive him? Yes, you are right. She is hurting herself and only herself.

Many people think that to forgive someone is to say, "What you did to me is OK. When we choose to forgive, we are simply letting go of our end of the chain that keeps us enslaved to the past and bound to that person and whatever happened. By forgiving, we are taking our focus off a crippling vision of what we do not want more of and replacing it with what we desire to create.

By choosing to forgive and respond with love rather than fear--we free ourselves. We sweep away the years of built-up sludge that jam up the channels through which abundance of every kind flows, and we move more firmly into our power to manifest that peaceful, prosperous world we want to live in.

Forgiving is something that a person does for himself and not for somebody else.

Some years ago, I had a serious upset with one of my family members. The disagreement was so painful that my mind and body went into a state of shock. I just could not get over it. A couple of weeks later, I noticed that I was losing my hair. I would find hair just about everywhere: in the shower, in my bed, on the kitchen floor. Slowly, slowly I noticed that my hair started thinning at the front of my scalp.

I knew that the reason I was losing my hair was the upset I experienced with my family member. However, I did not know what to do about it and was not ready to go bald, at least not yet! I started panicking. I went to see a dermatologist who prescribed Rogaine. Rogaine is some kind of liquid that you put on the affected area and hope it will stop the thinning of the hair.

I used it couple of times, but I did not like the side effects. My hair became coarse and turned to a grayish color. The last time I used it, I got dizzy and almost passed out. That was the end of Rogaine for me.

I went to see another doctor who told me she did not have any solution for my problem and advised me to "just get used to it and accept it. She meant that I should accept the fact that I was getting bald.

Now, you know how important hair is for women. I was not ready to live with a "bad hair day" "every day" for the remainder of my life.

At this point, I knew the problem was an emotional one that manifested in the physical form. I had a moment of total clarity and realized that I was concentrating on the fruits, which are the results, instead of focusing on the roots that created the results. I realized that I had to handle the situation on an emotional level instead of on a physical level. My spiritual adviser lived in Santa Barbara, so I drove up one day and discussed my situation with her. She suggested doing this simple exercise--one of forgiving.

It is called the "Compassion Exercise. Let me explain how it is done.

I closed my eyes, put my attention on the person I needed to forgive, and repeated to myself:

Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in their life.

Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness, and despair.

Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in their life.

Just like me, this person is learning about life.

While doing the exercise, I put myself in their shoes and felt how they felt. Slowly I released the negative energy that was affecting my mind and my body, and let it drain out of me to the universe.

By doing this exercise, I forgave the person and as a result, my hair loss stopped.

What do you think happened here? It had to do with forgiveness. It had to do with giving up the negative energy.

If I kept holding grudges and had not forgiven this person, I would be very bald by now.

I would like to leave you with a question to contemplate:

If I insisted on saying, "I will never forgive this person, who do you think would still be suffering--the other person or me? Here is a short exercise to do. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Against whom am I holding a grudge right now, today, this moment? List as many as necessary!

2. In what way does holding these grudges enhance my life and bring me peace?

3. In what way may holding these grudges be restricting me? (Joy and happiness, relationships, career, finances, self-esteem, stress, etc.)

4. Am I going to continue paying these prices and placing my attention on what I do NOT want more of in my life? Alternatively, do I choose to MAKE PEACE?

While you are asking yourself these questions, feel free to use the tools from the above "Compassion Exercise". Learn to forgive yourself and other people who were involved in your situation.

Make a note to yourself. How did you feel after you released the negative energy and forgave yourself and others?

The Benefits of Forgiveness

"Forgive yourself for your faults and your mistakes and move on. --Les Brown-

Generally speaking, it is easier to forgive others than forgiving ourselves for our own mistakes. The best way to learn how to forgive yourself is to make a list of everything that you think you did from minor mistakes to bigger mistakes. Then use the above exercise of forgiving yourself.

You will be surprised how lighter you will feel afterwards.

The benefits of forgiveness are too numerous to mention. However, here are some fundamental benefits: