Is your date a strong personality? Do you find your relationship to be more challenging than you think you can handle?
As a dating columnist, I recently received this letter from a reader:
I have a boyfriend I think I love but he has such a strong personality, I can't tell if he is being domineering or if I am just being a wimp. There are so many things about him that I admire. He works three jobs, volunteers for the National Guard, spends time with his children from a previous marriage, and likes exotic animals like I do. But he is so busy and loud, I feel he never hears me. I find that I start to shut down the minute he walks in a room. Is there any hope for us?
Signed,
Hoping
Dear Hoping,
You are wise to consider your differences in personality before you get any more involved with your boyfriend. You sound like you are quiet and sensitive. He sounds energetic and exuberant. The very qualities you were drawn to each other for will also be your areas of struggle to understand one another.
You're right. Your boyfriend sounds like he has many admirable qualities. I can see why you want to try and work through your challenges. Start with the following:
Boundaries
Take a look at your boundaries. Where do you let him and (I suspect) others cross the line of what is okay with you and what is not. No one can take care of you in this area but you. Let your limits be known. Compromise is always important but not to the point where you shut yourself down, feel like you are not heard, and are either wounded or seething inside. Speak up. If you don't know how to do this, get yourself to a counselor.
Personal vision
Ask him what an ideal life would look like for him. Tell him to write it down, and as he does, you do the same. Compare your answers. Are they compatible? These are your most important moments to be honest with one another.
Even if this relationship doesn't last, you will have learned something valuable here. Between learning to set boundaries and getting an idea of what kind of life you want, you will be on your way to a stronger relationship--either with him, or with someone else.
Good luck to you.
Tonja
The Savvy Dating Coach
Visit http://www.tonjaweimer.com for more tips, skills, and insight on dating, relationships, singles, and love. Subscribe to our F*r*e*e Savvy Dating Newsletter from master single's coach, life coach, and syndicated columnist, Tonja Weimer. Copyright 2006, Tonja Weimer. (Please note source if reprinting this article.)