What is your definition of a true friend?

Well most start with: someone who is there when you need them, someone who really cares, someone who will listen when no one else will, someone who is empathetic and understanding etc.

Such criteria are usually based on the premise that "when I'm in some kind of pain and need someone to be there only a true friend will be there".

Well under what circumstances does someone really need someone else to be there for them? Well when they're experiencing a difficult situation and are therefore in the role of a victim. In such cases the "friend" assumes the supporting role and therefore bears some of the pain.

Now I ask you, does this sound like a loving thing to ask of another human being, to ask them to assume some of your pain? Well some might think and do so on a regular basis.

Or does it feel manipulative and exploitative? Many such "friends" do in fact feel exploited. How do I know this? Well you hear it all around you.

For instance it's common knowledge that those individuals who make such contracts with each other often secretly "keep score" with their "friends" to see whether they are getting their own personal needs met as well. When they aren't you can over hear them talking to third parties about how "my friend always expects me to support him/her and rarely gives me much in return"?

Hence such a "friendship" is based on a covert contract of mutual exploitation yet many accept this as normal. Ironically they also think that complaining about it is also normal!

Why do such relationships exist at all? Well there are many reasons but I will outline what I feel is the major one.

Basically, an individual who needs to "unload" their pain has chosen to relinquish responsibility for their life onto someone else hoping unconsciously that they will be cared for. Another way of saying this is that they have chosen to become a victim!

Only other victims would ever engage in such a co-dependent relationship with someone like this. That is because only a victim would allow themselves to be victimized regularly by someone else's chaotic life.

Many who have adopted the victim role often appear to know no other way to be. They usually carry trauma that goes way back into their childhood. They identify themselves with the trauma and this limits their ability to achieve a more empowered life and healthier relationships.

Not surprisingly such victim-based friendships rarely last. This only re-traumatizes and allows the respective parties to use their new found victim hood to entice their next victim into a new