How to Properly Deactivate a Bomb

Movies have been made for decades -- many of them involve a bomb being deactivated. When I see a scene in which a bomb is deactivated 1-3 seconds before it's about to explode, I'm not impressed by the script writing. If I ever write a screenplay that includes a scene in which a bomb has to be deactivated, creativity will be my primary objective. In my story, the bomb will have one wire. That wire will be cut and the timer will stop. The timer's digital display will read no less than sixteen hundred seconds remaining.

My idea lacks suspense, but it contains originality. I'm confident I'll be able to write some intensity into the remaining 118 minutes of the film. I have ideas for other methods of building an original sequence of events into a script. For your reading enjoyment, I present you with an excerpt of thoughts from my head.

"Major Davenport, permission to speak freely?"

"Can it wait Lieutenant Jefferson? I'm trying to deactivate this bomb."

"No sir, I don't believe it can wait, Sir."

"Very well, Lieutenant, go ahead."

"Major, Sir, that's not a bomb. That's a turkey, Sir."

"What did you say, Lieutenant?"

"Sir, that's a turkey, Sir."

"A turkey? Good Lord, Lieutenant, who would plant a bomb inside a turkey?"

"No, Major, I mean that's only a turkey. The bomb is over there, next to the device that looks like an alarm clock."

"Lieutenant, I swear if you're wrong I'll have you cleaning toilets until you're so high from the fumes that you'll need a parachute to get back down!"

"Sir, I'm quite sure, Major, Sir."

"Lieutenant, look at this timer! There's only 100 seconds before this bomb goes off!"

"Sir, that's not a timer, Sir. That's a meat thermometer. The internal core temperature is slowly dropping, but I can say with absolute certainty that the turkey won't explode. With all due respect, Sir, I suggest we call in a bomb disposal unit."

"I have a better idea, Lieutenant Jefferson. Fire up the Stargate."


"You have a hearing problem, Mister?"

"Sir, No, Sir!"

"Then why are you still standing here, Lieutenant?"

"Sir, I'll go start the dialing sequence immediately!" Within minutes, Lieutenant Jefferson has the Stargate online and a wormhole open. He calls down to Major Davenport, "Sir, I've established a stable connection with an uninhabited planet."

"Good job, Lieutenant." As the Lieutenant watches him, he realizes something has just gone horribly wrong. The Stargate shuts off automatically, and he races down to the Major.

"Major, that was the turkey."

"What are you saying, Lieutenant?"

"You sent the turkey millions of lightyears from here, but the bomb is still here, and I think it's about to explode."

"May God have mercy on our souls."

The Lieutenant walks over to the bomb, switching the alarm clock to the off position. The timer shuts off. The General suddenly enters the room. "Lieutenant, I was just about to eat the lunch I ordered. The cook says he had it delivered it here from the mess hall. Have you seen a turkey anywhere?"

The Major steps in, "General, the meat thermometer showed that it was undercooked. The Lieutenant and I agreed that sending it to another planet would be the best course of action to keep you safe, and we sent the turkey to where it couldn't harm anyone."

"Good work, Major! Lieutenant... Jefferson is it?"

"Sir, Yes, General Stevens!"

"Lieutenant Jefferson, I think I see a promotion coming your way."

"Sir, thank you, Sir!"

"Lieutenant, why are you sweating?"

"Sir, I was in the immediate vicinity of the turkey, which was about 100 degrees Fahrenheit at the time when we disposed of it, General!"

"I see. Well, why don't you hit the showers, then you and the Major report to my office in one hour for a debriefing."

The General walks away, as Major Davenport turns to the Lieutenant, and with a smile on face says, "All's well that ends well, eh, Lieutenant?"

"Sir, yes, Sir!"

Andy Alt Mental Dimensions Humor Ezine. Warped minds can come here for observational humor, comedy editorials, farce, satire and spoof