Scott McClellan Sews Own Mouth Shut

In a desperate attempt to avoiding talking to the "Liberal media" , White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan stitched his own lips together with a sewing machine. It was allegedly very painful, but not nearly as bad as the agony that comes from having to defend the Bush Administration.

The incident was originally termed a "Stitching accident" in a blood-stained note penned by the prominent professional prevaricator. According to the note, McClellan borrowed his wife's sewing machine after unsuccessfully asking her to make a scarf to console Mr. Cheney in this difficult time. The note went on to advise future scarf-makers to keep their mouths far away from moving needles.

After being told that he would be re-assigned as the Vice-President's hunting partner if he was found to be lying, but given a chance to confess first, McClellan recanted. He admitted in writing, since he could not communicate orally, that it was an act of desperation to get away from reporters as soon as possible without having to wait through the resignation process. He declined to comment on whether he respected Dick Cheney enough to possibly make anything for him.

McClellan was forbidden from resigning, ever, in exchange for the administration not exposing the stunt that he tried to pull. The stitches were removed as quickly as possible, and the expenses were taken from the federal education budget.

McClellan could not be reached for comment after the surgery. The reason for his unavailability was heavy sedation. If I can obtain a press pass, I intend to question Scott about that drug problem.

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Ethan Mawyer is a 23 year old trying to succeed despite graduating with a History degree and no desire to teach or practice law. He has written a 17,000 word rhyming poem and hundreds of song parodies, and is currently trying to earn some money/recognition from them.

The poem can be found at: