Excerpts from Granny's Journal: Funny Farm

Anyone who lives in the country with a husband, children and animals needs a sense of humor.

My friend, Peggy, has two sets of twins. Recently, two of her cows had twins. She warns everybody, "Don't drink the water at my house." Don't worry! I won't.

We almost had a falling out this year. Peggy names all of her cows and she named one Christine. My daughter, Christine, was very offended and promptly named her 4H pig Peggy. By the end of summer, both cow and pig were deceased and all was well again.

Peggy and I have a lot in common. Our husbands both know the same lines. The minute they walk into the house, it's, "What's for dinner? All you do all day is talk on the phone, eat chocolates and watch soap operas." "That's right, Sweetie. The cows milked themselves. It was the most amazing thing. Then eggs jumped out of the henhouse and put themselves into the cartons after first stopping by the sink to wash themselves clean. Your darling children packed their own lunches, found their homework, combed their hair and made it to the bus on time. I feel so unneeded around here. Then the sink plugged up so my magical pipe wrench went into action and fixed the sink.

By the way, while I was on the sofa with my portable phone, watching TV, I ran out of chocolates. Could you send the maid for more?" Move to the country. Peace, tranquility, less stress. The neighbor's horse got out and ate my cows' hay. The neighbor's dog got in and killed my chickens. The neighbor's pig stinks and the wind is always blowing this way. The neighbor's rooster wakes me up every morning of the week. Then there's the crop duster that dive bombs my house at 6 a.m. That's good on the nerves. If I get any more peace and relaxation living in the country, I'll need tranquilizers.

Marge is the library director in a small town in the Northwest. She has a regular humor column in the local paper, The West End News, called Granny's Journal.