You are telling me that in this age of instant communication, instant gratification, constant stimulation, that something as quiet as listening can impact your frazzled family?

Absolutely!

I am deeply indebted to my early graduate school instructors and to Tony Kubicki, who was my mentor in the domestic violence field, for their patience in teaching me the value of listening.

It was Tony who actually cemented my knowledge of listening with his model, which he taught to men who were court ordered to his Beyond Abuse program.

But first, my instructors at Illinois State University had to confront my old confrontational style of conversation, and what I thought was deeply empathic listening. My style of reflective listening was much more accusatory than it was empathic. Luckily for me, I caught on before too much academic damage resulted.

I am also indebted to author Warren Farrell, whose book "Why Men are the Way They Are" includes a model for listening effectively when the other party is very upset.

The Discreet Skills.

Tony's model was a little simpler than Mr. Farrells. Tony said to repeat your friend's or your wife's or your child's words, silently, to yourself as they speak.

When it is your turn, you first repeat back to the other person what you heard them say, with some acknowledgement of their feelings, ending with a question along the lines of, "Did I get that right?"

If the answer is, "Yes, you got that right", then you can speak.

If the answer to your question of accuracy is. "No", then you would ask them to repeat their information for you so you could "get on the same page with them." (Technically, this process could go on indefinitely, but usually doesn't.)

The idea behind repeating their words to myself is to stop the oh so human habit of waiting for them to take a breath so I can get my accusation in style of communication.

Tony called using those listening skills "Giving the gift of Attention."

I do not know how many times I have been confronted by someone, like my wife, or children, who are very upset, and I can watch them calm down as they begin to trust that I will listen to them.

Listening is the Solution?

It would appear then that the actual act of listening is sometimes the solution sought after by our significant others. I give attention first, unless my wife or children are actually saying, "How do I do That...?" kind of questions.

My wife is an incredibly bright woman who has run her life incredibly well without too many solutions from me, the guy who is hardwired and trained to provide solutions.

However, every day we share some conversation about feelings. Every day, she may seek closeness and comfort in the form of a conversation about her feelings in regard to an issue. If I remember the "Gift of Attention", and provide it, I get huge rewards.

Children are to be Seen and not Heard!

I am intensely curious about how my children are growing inside. I want them to feel confident and to act confidently. So I think that part of my responsibilities as a Frazzled Father is to talk with them.

My son has already begun the process of not sharing his feelings without some prompting, but I keep after him, and so we violate that ancient family value about children not talking.

I encourage him to find words for his feelings, and I am delighted when he uses them in his daily vocabulary.

I am working very hard to be that John Gottman style of "Emotional Coach."

Lots of our play has to do with rough housing. I did not get to do much of that with my Dad, and I am amazed at how he loves to wrestle with me. Seems like we could wrestle forever.

During our rough housing is when I can teach him some words about disgust and contempt. I can say to him that I want more mischief in our communication, rather than the contempt I sometimes get. And you know what?

He will eventually find words that serve him, and are respectful to me.

I think part of what he is trying out with me is how to be aggressive, strong, masculine, (such energy) and on the play ground, where there are older kids, he sees contempt and aggression, so he brings it home to try on me.

Here is where listening pays off with my boy. If I respond to the expression or tone of voice which indicates contempt, with contempt, I will very quickly alienate my son, if not make him fear me. (I need to handle my emotions, and parent from my values, and model for him a powerful masculinity which respects rather than disrepects. Remember that 1/18th second that it takes for me to convert love to violence?)

When my little daughter talks to me, she is usually asking for food or attention. She likes me to chase her across the room, giggling and chortling, as I chug along behind her. So much delight.

She will even allow me to prompt her in games of interaction. If I am laying on the couch, she will crawl all over me, like a cub in a lion pride.

Listening to her is easy at this point.

However, just because she has no words yet does not mean that I get a pass on listening.

Her brain is actually being shaped at an incredibly rapid pace by the quality of social interactions with her family and care givers.

It is very, very important to her sense of safety and attachment, which will impact the quality of her relationships all the rest of her life, that her mom and I look at her as we interact and that we let her see our love and admiration.

We will communicate that through our eyes and tone of voice at this point, and we need to match her as we change diapers or get her milk, or bathe her.

So giving the gift of attention is very important at every stage of life.

Michael S. Logan, MS, father, husband, psychotherapist, webmaster at http://www.frazzled-family-finding-change-growth-wellness.com