I poop. I bet you didn't know that. Well, it's true. I poop. That fact has lived with me all my life. Another thing that you might not have known about me is that I am a secret pooper- I poop in private. Now I know what you're thinking- "everyone poops in private". NOT TRUE. Others poop in public bathrooms, generally having over two stalls (it's awful, I know). Sometimes other people are in that room with them. Sometimes, those other people are also pooping (YUCK!).

That's why I poop in private. That's why I'm a "secret pooper". In the lobby of a few select buildings on the beautiful Green Mountain College campus, private bathrooms exist. Other locations on campus also provide private bathrooms. By private, I mean that there's one toilet, and the door locks. However, I wil attest to the fact that I am not the only secret pooper. Others often try at the locked door- the only degree of separation that exists between me and them. It is a most frightening situation that often makes me poop myself (HA! I just realized that too).

But I'll tell you what I do. Nothing. I do absolutely nothing. Well, actually sometimes I turn off the light, so the bathroon appears to be closed and locked- which easily deters these "intruders". However, there are times when I am not able to reach the lightswitch in time, in which case, I continue pooping, and I attempt to do so as loudly as possible. No one in their right mind wants to be around when someone else is pooping. They get out of there fast, too.

Much to my dismay, I was once involved in what I call a secret pooping disaster (SPD for short). The cleaning lady on my floor once entered the bathroom's small outer room- the room containing a sink and mirror which precedes the toilet part of the bathroom. The part that locks. The part that I was in. I heard her enter the first room, and quickly turned out the light. The average person assumes the bathroom is closed and locked, as stated earlier. However, when you are one of the only people who holds a key to a bathroom you clean, or possibly close at times, you know better. She began to open the locked door with her key. I then had to obviously announce my presense in the room. I burst out with the first thing that came to my mind- "Someone is in here", which she followed with, "Oh, sorry... why is the light out?". I was dumbfounded. What was I to do? I couldn't just tell her I turned in out because someone was coming in! I couldn't tell her I enjoy pooping in the dark (I don't, but I wouldn't want to make up such a story). So I did the only thing I could- I told her the blub kept flickering and was now out. She told me she would replace it later and to take my time. Then she left.

Perhaps I shouldn't turn out the light...but now you all know what to do in case this happens, to you.

Brent Dickinson is a student of Liberal Studies at Green Mountain College in Poultney, Vermont, and is the webmaster and contributor to WaffleQuest.com, an online comedy video, article and comic strip collaboration.