So, I decided to go to Yet Another Ground Floor Once-in-a-Lifetime Make Money Fast Pyramid Scheme.

As I walked into the auditorium, I took note of several things.

First, the greeters outnumbered the guests two to one, and they appeared to be swarming, hovering and buzzing around the hapless visitors.

Second, a befuddled young man was fiddling with the audio-visual equipment. These were not good signs. Some old paintings sat on easels placed around the perimeter of the room.

I tried to sit near the back, the better to make my escape, if need be. From experience, I knew that the initiated had been warned sternly to not look to the rear when they heard the door opening, since that caused a lemming-like head swiveling reaction amongst the otherwise captivated guests, leaving the presenter to talk to napes, ducktails and bald spots.

A greasy looking greeter swooped down on my deaf side. "Mumble, mumble. Blabber, blah de blah?" Startled, I turned toward him and agreed that that would be best. This apparently delighted him, for he took my arm and propelled me toward the front, where another grinning greeter majestically gestured toward an empty chair.

The mumbler, still to my left, made a few more happy noises, to which I nodded with polite enthusiasm. After patting me on my shoulder (as if to say, "you poor lamb!"), he finally left to herd another guest to a strategic spot near the front.

Suddenly, a piercing feedback whistle cut through the chatter. The AV guy quickly turned a knob, pulled a plug and smacked the offending microphone while simultaneously managing to raise his arms in supplication to the few of us who glowered at him. (That hurt, dammit!)
An extremely tall, pretty and well-dressed lady stood up and began clapping.

On cue, fifty-two greeters began clapping appreciatively, as if they had just witnessed the police hauling away a particularly boisterous diner. I noticed that one greeter nudged a guest ("clap, fool!") and that made me clap, too. Herding instinct, I guessed.

Boy, if only I had known.
"Good EEEEVENING!" She paced toward the right of the auditorium. The congregation