Dick Cheney Enrolls At Dale Carnegie; Updates Curriculum
Vice President Cheney, upon his return from a visit to former Soviet Bloc nations, during which he criticized Russian President Putin in unusually direct, if correct, terms, found himself suffering from shortness of breath. Hesitant about consulting a doctor immediately, he performed a self-diagnosis and realized that his condition was due primarily to putting his foot in his mouth with alarming frequency.
Knowing the tenuous disposition of his cardiovascular system, he determined to remedy his verbal dereliction and signed up for a course at Dale Carnegie, where he expected to learn How To Win Friends And Influence People.
At his first class, however, he found himself unable to listen calmly to his lecturer and began to dispute with him. Taken aback, the professor explained that his statements were not based on his own beliefs but consisted entirely of the time-honored teachings of Dale Carnegie.
The Vice President was not assuaged, and announced,