Government Monitors Phone Bills; Agrees To Pay Half

The National Security Administration, admitting it has monitored the phone bills of millions of Americans, decided to palliate the perturbed populace by agreeing to pay half of every American's phone bill.

While consumers lauded the action, reaction on Capitol Hill was mixed, with Republicans maintaining that such a gesture is fiscally irresponsible. To shore up their case, they pointed to their unimpeachable conduct in regard to the national debt.

Democrats by and large praised the gesture, with a Democratic member of The House Ways And Means Committee stating, "Do you know what it's like to get a disconnect notice? I do. But I'm not sure my Republican counterparts on the Committee are even aware such unconscionable resources for collection exist."

President Bush commented, "It doesn't seem to me that phone bills pose a problem that should channel money away from the programs on which I prefer to squander the national treasure."

But, so as not to flagrantly debilitate his already bottom-scraping approval numbers, he requested that the Federal Communications Commission examine whether or not the government has the right to help the public pay its phone bills.

Democrat Ted Kennedy was quick to respond, stating, "This is just another instance of how the current administration is out of touch with the true wishes of the American public. Why doesn't George Bush call up a few average Americans and ask if they'd like the federal government to pay half of their phone bills?"

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Tom Attea, humorist and creator of, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."