Financial Wizardy at Work: Frozen Money Technology

Thanks to the ingenuity of Louisiana Democrat William Jefferson, several innovations have been introduced to keep your money safe. Jefferson expanded the idea of cold, hard cash, and took it one step further by freezing it, thereby causing his own cash to become even colder and harder.

My company will be selling plastic bags, specially formulated to freeze cash safely and prevent freezer-burn. These bags, however, will be opaque. You'll be able to label them as "turkey," "beef," or any other food you can imagine. A casual glance inside your freezer will only reveal dark colored bags, and not the fortune you've acquired from bribery.

After you've labelled your "bags," be sure to write down a legend. For example: turkey = $1000 in twenties, beef = $10,000 in hundreds, and so forth. Tape the legend in a secure place, another major appliance perhaps. The top of your microwave oven is one option. Another secret location to hide your treasure map could be inside your dishwasher. Perhaps you could even buy a second freezer and hide it inside, along with your actual frozen meats and vegetables.

Once you have your money and treasure map stored safely, go to your bank and tell them you'd like to make a deposit. Then throw up five pounds of ground beef and two frozen bags of corn onto the teller's window. Ask the teller how long it will take for your beef and corn to double in volume or value. If they look at you queerly, explain that you're there because of advice you received while visiting Mental Dimensions. If that doesn't take away the teller's look of puzzlement, throw a frozen bag of peas at his or her face and run away very quickly.

During your running, you may need a place to hide. If you pass by an appliance store, duck inside and quickly search for a freezer to hide in. Make sure the freezer is plugged into an outlet and turned on before you hop inside. If you're carrying any loose change on you, quickly throw it inside a nearby refrigerator. Remember the rule of thumb we've obtained from William Jefferson: "Cash needs to be frozen, but spare change needs only light refrigeration."

Rumor has it that Jefferson's next investment strategy will be to drown his remaining money into the freezing waters of the Arctic Ocean. Any interest earned will then be stored in containers filled with frozen nitrogen. His bail is expected to be set anywhere from 50,000 ice cubes - 150,000 sirloin steaks.

Andy Alt
Mental Dimensions
A humor column for people who enjoy observational humor, political farce, comedy editorials, satire and spoof, along with an occasional dose of non humor.