I sometimes marvel at the sweetly archaic portrayal of Superman in the movies. And I always secretly wish the New and Improved Superman had some new powers more appropriate for our day and age and more in tune with the spirit of the times.
Yes, to see through the walls, saving schoolchildren trapped in burning schoolbuses and stopping bullets is cool, but how about these new powers?
1) The New and Improved Superman is a Golf Monster. He can finish an 18-hole golf tournament in 18 shots flat (whack! and it's in). He embarrasses his rich nemeses each and every time, driving bad characters like Joker to suicide.
2) Superman is a Super Day Trader. He makes millions in options trading every morning while eating his Wheaties and drinking his coffee. He donates the proceeds to fight global warming and nuclear proliferation.
3) Superman is a Super Poker Bluffer (seeing the cards of all the other players with X-vision certainly helps). He wins the Poker World Championship every year without fail and donates his prize money as well as the gold bracelet to Gamblers Anonymous Emergency Fund.
4) Superman is a Super Dieter. He can lose 100 lbs within 24 hours whenever he wants it, holding the torch of hope and inspiration high for all dieters around the world.
5) Superman is a Super Recycler. He has 100 different recycling bins at his home, immediately dispatching all gum wrappers, bread crumbs, junk mail and fan letters to their appropriate bins.
6) Superman is a Super Lobbyist. He can raise funds for 1,000 causes simultaneously and he can appeal to all 535 members of the U.S. Congress in a flash and deliver client inputs to 1,000 piece of legislation every month.
7) Superman is a Super Multi Tasker. He can multi-task up to a million different pesky chores like