Don't Compare Partners
Have you ever found yourself comparing your current partner to
someone from your past, and finding your current partner
lacking? Worse yet, have you found yourself telling your current
partner he or she is being compared to someone in your past and
What is it we are really after when comparing current and former
partners? Do we want our current partners to be just like our
exes? Probably not, or we would still be in those relationships.
I think when we are making a comparison, we are really after
something else. My hunch is what most of us really want is to
have our current partners meet some specific needs and desires
in the same, natural way as our past partners did.
Unfortunately, when we make this comparison between partners and
then tell our partner about it, he or she will probably not take
the feedback well. In fact, your partner will be very likely to
feel angry, resentful, and to make sure not to do what you want.
How can you, then, get what you want in a more effective way
than causing resentment and anger in your partner? How can you
have your needs and desires satisfied? It's simple, really. Just
ask. But be sure to ask without making your partner wrong for
not already having met your needs.
Let's look at an example. Let's say you are not getting enough
romance in your current relationship, but had gotten plenty of
it in your past relationship, and liked it that way.
If you were comparing your current partner to your ex, you might
say things like, "Why aren't you more like X? He (or she) was so
romantic. I would get flowers and cards from him all of the
time." Or, you might say, "She was much more interested in
romance and intimacy than you are." Then you might finish with,
"You are just not like him (or her)," with a negative
connotation in your voice.
As I said, after this kind of encounter, it's unlikely you will
experience romantic gestures from your current partner, even if
he or she originally had a desire to be romantic.
Asking for your needs to be met looks very different than
comparing partners and making your current partner wrong.
You may say something like, "You know, I really like and
appreciate romantic gestures. Flowers or cards would make me
feel loved and appreciated. Physical intimacy would make me feel
loved and connected to you. I would like more of these from you.
Can you do that for me?"
With an approach like this, you are much more likely to get what
So stop comparing and start asking!
Your Relationship Coach, Rinatta Paries www.WhatItTakes.com
(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your
ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship,
or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach
Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to
attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit
www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice
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