The Soul Mate Debate
Are you looking or waiting for your soul mate? Many singles
spend a lot of energy and time waiting and searching for their
soul mate. But are soul mates found or created?
The notion of soul mates stems from the concepts of
reincarnation and karma. Soul mates are defined as two souls
reincarnating alongside each other over and over again, playing
different roles to each other, such as lovers, adversaries,
parent and child, victim and murderer, coworkers, etc. Some will
argue soul mates were separated at the beginning of time, and so
in each lifetime they seek to reunite in some way.
If you were to find your soul mate, the theory is you would be
able to instantly recognize him or her. You would feel
connected, at home, recognized, valued, loved again, instantly.
The two of you will reconnect, fall in love all over again and
live happily ever after.
Unfortunately, this is not quite how the soul mate thing works.
Here are some sobering thoughts about the notion of soul mates:
* Each of us could have an unlimited number of soul mates. We
have many close relationships in a lifetime, so who is to say
any one or all of them could be our soul mates?
* Intimate relationships with soul mates are less likely to work
out. That's because if someone is truly your soul mate, you have
been around the block with each other too many times in too many
different ways. Along with intense passion for each other, you
will also feel intense anger and resentment.
* If you instantly recognize or feel connected to someone, does
that automatically mean he or she is your soul mate? It could be
that this person simply has very similar childhood family
patterns or adult dating patterns as you do, allowing you to
feel instantly at home.
* If you immediately recognize someone who was a lover in one
past life and an adversary in another, how likely is an intimate
relationship between the two of you to work out?
* The idea that soul mates will find and instantly recognize
each other presumes past life memories are at the surface and
can be tapped into at any time. Do you remember your past lives,
especially if you do not believe in past lives and reincarnation?
Because of the points above, I think those who say they are
looking or waiting for their soul mate really mean they are
looking or waiting for someone with whom love, relationship, and
intimacy will happen instantly. Unfortunately, as I said, this
very rarely has a happy ending. Relationships are not about
instant gratification and instantly knowing whether you are
"meant to be" with someone.
A healthier, more realistic, and more successful notion is one
where you and your partner grow to become "soul mates." In other
words, you grow to be in love with one another, to know each
other intimately, to cherish and support each other, to share
closeness unequal to other relationships. And this can only
happen with time.
How do you grow into "soul mates?" Here are some ideas:
* When meeting potential partners, do not look for an instant
feeling of recognition or a strong connection. Instead look for
a subtle attraction and a subtle connection.
* While dating, take time to become good friends and get to know
each other. Do not assume you know the person you are dating
before you have been with him or her for at least 6 months.
* Emphasize excellent communication right from the beginning.
Establish a standard of communication both of you are
comfortable with, and hold each other to that standard.
* Accept each other for who you are. Neither of you will be
exactly like the other, nor will you do things in exactly the
* Accept and appreciate each other's shortcomings even as you
accept and appreciate each other's good qualities. No one is
perfect - not even your soul mate.
Your Relationship Coach, Rinatta Paries www.WhatItTakes.com
(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your
ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship,
or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach
Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to
attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit
www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice
and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"