Out with the Old
Think back to a situation where you felt resentful. Or think
back to the last time your heart was broken. The next time you
encounter a similar situation, will you be free to choose how
you act, or will you instead automatically attempt to protect
yourself? If you are like most people, the latter is true. And
why wouldn't you protect yourself if you see hurt coming, right?
Focusing your attention on self-protection prevents you from
being fully present. You may miss opportunities to change the
outcome of the situation, to play it differently, to see how it
IS different. You may miss opportunities to truly connect with
That's why letting go of your past - or "getting complete" - is
vitally important. If you do not get complete, you will carry
old pain into present and future relationships. If you do not
get complete, you may perceive any situation, similar to the
ones in which you were hurt, as more of the same. This will make
most relationships difficult, and may even prevent them from
forming at all.
Being complete with your past has two key benefits. First, when
faced with a situation that causes you pain or resentment, you
become free to choose your actions rather than reacting from
fear of pain. Secondly, you no longer have an emotional reaction
when looking back on the hurtful situations.
Can you see why it is vital that you become complete with your
past if you are to build your ideal relationship?
Here are ten suggestions for getting complete with any past hurt
or resentment. Try working on a few situations at a time until
you find you are complete with them.
1. Write letters. Write letters to the person who made you feel
resentful or hurt. Freely say everything you want to say. Write
as many letters as necessary to feel complete, but do not send
them. Instead, do something with them that helps you feel you
are getting rid of the painful feelings. Flush the letters down
the toilet, burn them, bury them, etc.
2. Tell your story. Tell your story over and over to a trusted
friend or advisor. Make sure the person listening gives no
advice and makes no comments to dispute your feelings, but
instead allows you to talk and listens attentively.
3. Talk to the right person. Talk to the person with whom you
feel incomplete. Do this only if you are sure this person will
be able to listen to you in the same way as described in #2.
Make sure not to blame or be rude, but talk about your feelings
and the consequences in your life. If you have the opportunity,
have as many conversations as you need to get complete.
4. Imagine. Imagine yourself in the same room as the person with
whom you have the incompletion. Imagine them attentively
listening to you while you say everything you need to say.
Repeat this process many times until you are done.
5. Role-Play. Ask a trusted friend to role-play the hurtful
situation with you. Have them be the other person and reenact
the situation. Respond how you wish you had responded. Repeat
the role-play, but this time, have the other person act in a way
that would have avoided causing you pain. Repeat the process
over time until you feel complete.
6. Reexamine. Reexamine the situation from the vantage point of
the present. How did you grow as a result of the pain? Was there
a hidden gift in going through the experience? What did you
learn as a result of the situation? Repeat until you can feel
gratitude toward the situation, the pain, the resentment, the
anger and the other person.
7. Pray. If you pray, say the following prayer for at least a
month and perhaps longer until you feel complete: "Please remove
the resentment/anger/pain I am feeling toward/about [name].
Please give [name] as much joy, prosperity, love, etc., as I
want for myself."
8. Perform a ritual. Do something physical to symbolize that you
are now letting go of the past and are ready to move freely into
the present. Repeat until you feel complete.
9. Repair the damage. Actively repair the damage that was caused
to you. If something of yours was taken, replace it with an item
just as good or better. If you were emotionally hurt, give
yourself the kind of support, acknowledgement, love, etc., that
you wanted from the other person. Ask trusted others to provide
you with the emotional support you needed and did not get. It's
ok to request to be treated in exactly the way you need in order
10. Talk to the spirit of the person. Sometimes our
relationships go so wrong, so much hurt is created, that it is
difficult to imagine the person giving us the understanding we
need to get complete. In these cases, have conversations with
the person's spirit. Although they may not be able to hear you,
you know their spirit will. Recreate the suggestion in #4, but
talk to the person's spirit rather than to the actual person.
When you let go of past hurts and resentments, an unimaginable
field of possibilities will open up for you. You will be free
from your past. You will be free to form bonds with people based
on the essence and the beauty of who you are. You will be able
to see the essence and beauty of others. From that freedom you
will be able to create your ideal relationship.
Your Relationship Coach, Rinatta Paries www.WhatItTakes.com
(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your
ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship,
or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach
Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to
attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit
www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice
and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"