Bringing Up A Baby - Balancing Discipline And Love
I think few would disagree that one of the essentials of baby
care comes in the form of love. Apart from the obvious need of
sustenance to survive, love comes at the top of a baby's needs,
and that continues right through childhood into the teenage
years. Most teenagers would not admit it; most young children
struggle to express it; and babies cannot express it. But,
children of any age need love.
Something else that is needed throughout a child's upbringing is
discipline; a sensible level of discipline from which the child
will benefit throughout their adult lives. The application of
discipline can seem to become more difficult as a child gets
older, in direct proportion to the child's ability to express
themselves assertively. In reality, though, applying discipline
to a baby can be every bit as difficult, because it is a much
more subtle and less obvious process.
A teenager ignoring your 10pm curfew is a blatant discipline
problem. To some, a one year old baby crying because they are
being taken from their toys to have a bath and go to bed, is not
even about discipline, and they may not think of it as such.
They love the baby, want it to be happy and, despite knowing
that the baby should sleep, feel pity and put her back with her
toys.
Does a Baby Need Discipline?
Discipline with a child is usually about testing boundaries; the
boundaries of what they are allowed to do and what they are not
allowed to do. If they do not like the answer, they protest and
test again; and again. If the boundary they are trying to break
gives way easily, it encourages them to go back and do it again.
If the boundary holds firm, with a consistent parent being
calmly unbending, then the baby or infant will give
up.....eventually. Patience and consistency are vital to the
discipline, otherwise the baby will become confused; they will
not learn what is acceptable and what is not, if one day you
give into their protests, and on another day you do not.
In the example above, the baby has successfully used tears to
get their way against the parent's better judgement. Bath and
bed time have been delayed, with a two fold result. Firstly, she
will not sleep at the time that is best for her, and she will
become crotchety and over tired, and cry even louder with the
next attempt to put her to bed. Secondly, her success at
preventing the bath will bolster her for next time; she has
learnt that yelling will get her own way.
About a decade ago, while I still lived in the UK, there was a
study into teenagers, to find out what it was they most needed
to make their lives happier and better. More than half said they
really wanted more discipline; yes, "wanted".
Discipline has been allowed to evaporate across some Western
societies, with a result that teenagers have felt that there is
an absence of necessary discipline in their lives. However,
there is no need to allow your baby to become just one more in
the statistics of undisciplined children.
Does a baby need discipline? In my opinion, and based on my own
experience, the answer is a resounding "yes".
Can Love and Discipline Mix?
>From the perspective of a "second time around" parent, I would
say that not only do love and discipline mix, they are mutually
essential. Working from home, I have been able to observe our
baby daughter for two years. I have also been here all the time
to apply "discipline" and to provide heaps of love, affection
and cuddles.
I am of the view that love is not only an essential for a happy
baby, it also the parents' most powerful weapon when it comes to
discipline. How can that be? By threatening to withdraw your
love if the baby is naughty?
No, there is no need to make any threats at all. The baby needs
love and they adore their parents. You are, in the main, their
life. As they recognize you are not happy when they do something
wrong, what will discipline them in the end is their deep desire
for you to be happy with them, to praise them, and to show your
love for them.
If a baby's naughtiness threatens their ideal world, by
observing the negative effect on you, the baby will learn to
steer things back onto a course where you are happy with them,
praise them again, and show your love. They will not only say
they are sorry, they will mean it, because they truly are. To
that extent, discipline becomes self discipline by the baby if
there is enough love in the home to make them yearn for that
love more than anything else.
I am not saying disciplining any baby is easy, but with
sufficient love it can be a relatively smooth process if you see
things from the baby's point of view, and understand that the
baby, deep down, wants to please you more than anything else.