Self-Esteem and Teens
Ideally, we raise our children from the cradle to have a
positive sense of self-esteem. A child that has always had a
strong sense of who they are and were they want to go with their
life isn't as likely to dabble in drugs, alcohol, and premarital
sex. A child who has a safe open dialog with at least one of
their parents isn't as likely to keep secrets and start sneaking
around during the teenage years. A child who has been raised to
set personal boundaries isn't as likely to let peer pressure
dictate their standards of conduct. Children who have been
raised to recognize their own gifts and limitations are able to
make their own choices about what is in their long-term best
interest. But most teens weren't raised perfectly and they know
it, so along with the lack of self-confidence they are often
carrying at least a little bit of animosity towards the
authority figures that have failed them.
Teens have a double-edged sword in their hands. On the one
side, they have none of the adult wisdom that comes from making
their own choices and seeing for themselves what does and does
not work for them. On the other side, they have serious hormone
levels which by design gives them the feeling of strength and
immortality. You see it in boys especially. There's nothing
quite like a heavy dose of testosterone to give a previously
insecure boy the belief that he can tackle the opposing football
team or even ask the most popular girl out on a date. Hormones
foster a temporary manic form of self-esteem in teens that often
gets them into more trouble then good.
They think their new can-do attitude is enough to get them
through life, but the truth is, those hormone levels eventually
mellow out and their original lack of self-esteem will come
back. Often you'll see young adults in their early to
mid-twenties undergoing a depression as the reality of their
limited belief systems drift back into their awareness. It's
like the tide just came back in. From this place, a lot of folks
decide that nothing they do ever really matters and they resign
themselves to a dull uneventful life. They put their dreams up
on a shelf and most never bother to try again. Remember back in
your own life, when did you give up on your dreams?
We need to educate our teens in advance that the superman
complex will wear off and that they will go back to being normal
people again. That doesn't make them failures, it just makes
them human. It should be taught in the health curriculum along
with defining the upcoming body changes, that when all of that
stabilizes, they will no longer feel invincible. That would help
them to not go through a withdrawal type depression later in
life. "When I was young, I always dreamed of being a _____ when
I grew up. Now I'm just answering phones on this customer
service hotline being yelled at everyday by irate customers.
This is definitely not what I had in mind when I pictured
'happily ever after'."
Yes, we should teach them self-esteem from the time they are
born. Yes, we should teach them how to create a balance between
self-obsession and caring about others' needs. And yes, we
should teach them that there is a time and a place for immediate
gratification and a time and a place for delayed gratification.
But what is often missed is the basic core belief that they are
capable of doing anything they set their minds to. Teens should
be taught that it takes hard work and determination to make the
big important dreams come true. It's fun to dream of becoming an
overnight success as a rock star or as an athlete, but that
behind the scenes their heroes did work hard to master their
craft and to become noticed by people who had the ability to
promote them. Teach them that luck is something that rarely
finds you, you often have to go looking for it. We have to teach
our teens the nuts and bolts of how to make their dreams come
true.
We have to talk to them and find out what their goals are. Then
we have to help them plot a course that is exciting and
adventurous. Help them understand that they can accomplish a lot
towards fulfilling those goals now, but that there will come a
day when nature dictates they will slow down and the fire in
their belly will become a quiet ember. They need to be
forewarned so they will stay focused now and can get a lot of
the hard work done before hand. That's why they need to go to
college as soon as possible, or train as apprentices now, or
practice their craft until they can perform inside out and
upside down in their sleep. They have to work hard while they
have the youthful drive to do so. Encourage them to run with
their dreams in a positive logical direction that will actually
get them where they want to go. Show them how to look backwards
over their shoulder once in a while to see just how far they
have come and that they may not be at their ultimate finishing
point, but they've made wonderful progress so far.
Don't let them tell you that they don't have any goals and that
there is nothing they are good at anyway. Somewhere in their
grumpy little hearts is a dream, make them find it. Self-esteem
doesn't come from someone else telling us that we are capable.
Self-esteem comes from fighting, scratching and digging our way
towards something. It's that little voice somewhere in the back
of our minds whispering, "I think I can, I think I can, I think
I can..." and that doesn't come from Mommy and Daddy. That comes
from pushing ourselves beyond our easy comfort zones.
Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge