Parenting Styles - Overcoming Your Differences
If you spend any time in the parenting section of the library or
your local bookstore, you will find hundreds of books on
disciplining and raising your children. All the leading experts
have their own ideas about what works and what doesn't. As a
parent, you have your philosophy that you bring to the table.
Most of your thoughts come from what you learned as a child. You
either liked the way your parents raised you, agreed with some
of it and disagreed with the rest, or didn't like any part of
your parents' ideas. Then you talk to or watch other mothers you
know and these ideas get added to the mix. You take the best
from all these sources and you set off to be the best mom you
can be.
And then something happens that interrupts your plan for raising
your children. Dad has a whole other set of ideas and plans for
raising his children. Most of the time, dad's ideas have not
come from the many books on parenting he reads or the oodles of
fathers he brainstorms with. His ideas, too, come from the way
in which he was raised as a boy, but sometimes Dad operates on
auto pilot when raising and disciplining his kids. Even the best
and most agreeable parents sometimes disagree. So what do you do
when your two philosophies clash?
1. Talk it out when the children are not around. You're in the
middle of dinner, and the children are refusing to eat. They are
crabby and testing your every nerve. Dad can see that you are
stressed so he decides to take matters into his own hands. He
yells with his loud, booming voice, "Eat your food right now or
you will go straight to bed." The kids start crying. You are
even angrier now because you can't stand yelling. You feel it is
an ineffective way to discipline the children, and you believe
it scares them. Wait until the children go to bed and have a
talk with your husband. Explain to him exactly how you feel
about yelling. Listen to his side of the story and why he chose
to do what he did. Do your very best to understand him and
acknowledge his feelings. Then decide together what would work
better for everyone in the future.
2. Decide how important an issue is to you. My friend's husband
takes his little girl to swimming lessons every Saturday
morning. After swimming, the little girl is starving. Dad's way
of ending their fun time together in the pool is to let his
daughter pick something to eat from the vending machine. My
friend does not want her daughter associating fun time with Dad
and junk food. She believes they should come home so her
daughter can eat something healthy. Sometimes each parent needs
to decide how important an issue really is to them. If Dad rates
his need to buy his daughter a junk food treat after swimming at
an 8, and Mom rates her need for her daughter to eat healthy at
a 6, then Dad wins. You learn to give in on issues that aren't
extremely important to you.
3. Understand that differences can be good. Believe it or not,
children can benefit from differences in our parenting styles.
As long as children are being loved and treated with respect and
fairness, it can be good for children to learn to adapt to
different childrearing approaches. No two people in this world
are exactly alike. Some parents are very flexible and some are
quite structured. Some parents are playful and others are more
serious. There are quiet and mild-mannered parents and loud and
boisterous parents as well. Step back and appreciate your
differences. Children who are exposed to diversity have a
tendency to be better rounded and adaptable.
4. Combine your viewpoints and get on the same page. The single
most important thing you can do for your children and for your
marriage is to get on the same page when raising and
disciplining your children. Being on the same page does not mean
you necessarily agree on everything. It means you support one
another as parents. If Mom says there are no privileges until
homework is done, the rules are the same with Dad. If Dad says
curfew is at 11:30 PM, then Mom enforces this curfew. Take the
time to work through your differences and put together a plan
that both of you can be happy with. Decide what the house rules
are going to be and how the children will be disciplined when
the rules are broken. Then stick together and provide a united
front for the benefit of your children.