Abandoned Again--How We Repeat Our Childhood In the Present
The woman on the couch looks up at me miserably, tears in her
eyes, as she tells me about her most recent bad relationship.
"I'm sick of choosing guys who aren't there for me. They seem
great, they want me, they tell me how terrific I am, then either
they have an affair, or turn on me once we are involved, getting
that cold look in their eyes. I can see they don't care after
all. I can't stand this. Why do I do this over and over?"
In my work as a therapist, I help people discover repeated
patterns. Despite our conscious desire and urgent efforts to
make our lives better, we end up feeling the same as we did as
children, but the feeling of despair and depression can deepen
if we see that we are simply repeating our abusive or abandoned
childhood.
This may seem confusing to understand, but this is how it works:
Rooted deep in the unconscious is a desire to make the story
turn out right--to find someone who will finally come through
and love us the way we want. But the pattern of repetition,
until it is resolved, will cause us to choose people who will do
exactly what was done to us as children. If you were abandoned,
they will abandon you. If you were hurt physically, this may be
what you experience all over again.
For instance, most women involved in relationships where there
is domestic violence either were beaten as children, or observed
it for many years. If you were verbally abused, you will find
yourself hearing the same phrases and feeling exactly the same
as you did when you were a child. There you are, thinking you
have just found the love of your life, when a terrible feeling
comes over you--"I have been here before," says the voice inside
your head, a feeling of dread running through your body. It's
not d