Visit Family Without Backsliding!
Copyright 2005 Willingness Works
You know all the growth you've done since your last family
visit? And those vows concerning different ways you'll behave
with them this time? Well, here's the catch: no matter how good
your intentions, you may be at risk of kissing some of that
great progress good-bye, at least temporarily, when you're with
your family. Here are some tips for greatly reducing that
possibility! If visiting family is a challenge for you, for
holidays or at any other time, don't leave home without first
reviewing this vital tips!
While there is a chance that you might slip back into habits you
don't want to repeat, the good news is that there are ways to
reduce your chances of backsliding - and strategies for bouncing
back when you backslide anyway.
The secret to using these tips is to recognize that there are
certain long-standing patterns of interaction in your family
that are unpleasant for you, but which they and you are used to
you playing a role in these patterns that you no longer enjoy
filling. Why people lapse back into these undesired patterns to
begin with is an article in itself. How to avoid being triggered
- and what to do when you are caught in a trigger dance - is the
focus of this article.
The biggest key to visiting family without backsliding is to
develop your own personal "Triggering Response Plan." This plan
has two main parts to it. The first has to do with the planning
you do prior to visiting. The second is the action areas to
focus on during the visit itself.
THREE PLANNING AREAS PRIOR TO VISITING: 1) "Trigger Dance"
Preparation, 2) Logistics Planning & 3) Self-Care Planning.
TRIGGER DANCE PREPARATION: A "Trigger Dance" is a pattern in
which two or more people interact in such a way that one or more
of them gets upset or otherwise loses their sense of wellbeing
(that is, is triggered).
1) List the family Trigger Dances you expect could occur during
this visit;
2) Describe your traditional role in each of them;
3) For each Trigger Dance, make a list of three alternatives to
your usual role (these could include ways you might prevent the
dance from starting, ways you could respond differently once the
dance starts but before much damage is done and/or ways you
could take better care of yourself after the damage is done);
4) List how these of your potential new dance steps might rock
the family boat;
5) Based on this information, decide which boat-rocking risks
you're willing to take should that Trigger Dance occur.
LOGISTICS PLANNING - Decide ahead of time: 1) Where you'll stay
during your visit; 2) Who you'll visit and for how long; 3)
Which activities you will participate in; and 4) Who you want to
spend more and less time with during these activities.
SELF-CARE PLANNING - Make some commitments to yourself ahead of
time for some excellent self-care. Self-care activities include:
meditation, prayer time, naps, eating something healthy,
exercise, walks, meetings, support system phone calls or visits,
journal writing, surrendering control, abstaining from
anesthesia, reading, laughing, listening to music, or
visualizing white light protecting you and your family.
FOUR ACTION AREAS DURING YOUR VISIT: 1) Day-Beginning
Activities, 2) Trigger Dance Responses, 3) Dealing with the
Unexpected, and 4) Day-Ending Activities.
BEGINNING-OF-DAY CENTERING ACTIVITIES - Start the day with quiet
time seeking guidance and wisdom, and reviewing your self-care
priorities and your Trigger Dance response plan selections.
TRIGGER DANCE RESPONSES - When you feel triggered: 1) Take a
time-out (it's really okay to graciously bow out of a family
interaction, especially when you already know how it's going to
end!);
2) Try responding differently (with more love and less anger,
with more vulnerability and less controllingness, with more
directness and less beating around the bush, with more
compassion and less judgment, and/or with a boundary instead of
resentment); or
3) Hold off responding differently and just practice observing
how this interaction or Trigger Dance happens in the first place.
DEALING WITH THE UNEXPECTED - Be on the lookout for:
1) Family Trigger Dances - or contributing behaviors of your own
- that you never quite understood before;
2) Spontaneously and naturally acting in new, wonderful ways
that you didn't know you were capable of;
3) Not needing to intervene with someone you'd planned to
because they've already changed.
END-OF-DAY REJUVENATION ACTIVITIES - Celebrate the changes you
made. Even if others didn't respond joyously to the new you, you
still deserve credit for being more authentic and genuine.
Best wishes in using your Triggering Response Plan to prevent
backsliding on your next family visit!