Supporting Our Grieving Children To Cope with Katrina and other
Losses
Children may feel the same feelings when they grieve as adults,
yet their responses can be very different. In addition, every
day through the media, images of death, loss, grief and violence
are presented to not only adult eyes, but also the vulnerable
eyes and hearts of our children. Adults barely have the tools
and experience to process what they see intellectually and
emotionally. Imagine how the younger and more vulnerable among
us deal with this!
In addition, children are deeply affected by natural disasters,
such as Hurricane Katrina. Not only do the children who have
faced this storm directly need immediate consideration, but also
those who are safely in their homes in other parts of the
country need to be tended carefully. Because few have maps or
experience dealing with the challenges they witness in others'
lives--and because many parents feel ill-equipped to guide their
children through traumas such as Katrina, or the death of a
loved one--change is scary.
Yet if adults can't figure out how to handle change, how can our
children move through their journeys of loss and change?
Loss and grief force inner and outer changes to take place in
all of our lives, yet in a way we can direct. We can learn to
use the energy of change not only to bring healing, but to
encourage wholeness in a child's physical, mental, spiritual,
and emotional being.
Let's look at ways parents can help their children deal with
death, loss and grief, close to home as well as far away.
Dealing with Common Experiences
All children who encounter grief and change process them
differently. But some feelings and experiences are common to
almost everyone.
Infants, for example, don't intellectually understand changes
around them, but they sense changes in their life situations
physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To assist infants in
directing the energy of change, give them reassurance through
your touch. Talk about what has happened. Act with a consistency
to support the routines they know. Mostly, they need to know
they can count on your support, that you'll keep them safe and
take care of their needs.
Supporting Toddlers in Crisis
When dealing with the idea of death, toddlers and young children
through age five don't understand the concept of permanence.
They repeatedly ask when a deceased person will return. Children
at this age learn through repetition and play, therefore they
need you to patiently tell them over and over what has happened.
Many people make the mistake of using phrases such as "gone
away," "resting," "sleeping," and "taken to heaven," which can
confuse and scare children. It's best to be as honest as you can
with them. Include them in as much of the process as they care
to participate in.
Children go in and out of grieving in a rhythm that follows
their inner needs. If you notice them regressing behaviorally,
that means they'll likely benefit from more, rather than less,
structure, including dependable routines. In addition, supply
them with various play materials such as paper and art supplies,
clay or puppets. Help them use these materials to work out their
feelings and thoughts.
Supporting Older Children
Children aged six through ten begin to understand the permanence
of death, yet they don't want to acknowledge it. Like younger
children, they may also desire to know literal and physical
facts about illnesses, dead bodies, and disposal of bodies,
though they won't directly ask. It's important to be honest and
direct when explaining details. Again, find out "where they're
at" in their understanding of the situation. Once you do, give
them only as much information as they require.
When in their pre-teens, children are in a transitional place of
understanding and expressiveness. Peer pressure has begun to
rear its weighty head; an inner battle concerning independence
and vulnerability is raging. These children experience many
conflicting emotions and their feelings of grief can certainly
be confusing. Giving them honesty, support, and "space" to
process the changes on their own are essential. Perhaps you can
provide a journal, an age-appropriate book, or a support group
of peers if they're open to it.
Dealing with Mature Teens
As teens mature, their ability to grieve with their immediate
families usually decreases. They tend to take their feelings and
concerns to peers or to a trusted adult such as a pastor,
teacher, or uncle. They could display more acting-out or
risk-taking behaviors than younger children. As with the other
age groups, it's important to be honest, show your own feelings
and vulnerability, and provide lots of love and support.
Guilt, a difficult emotion at any age, can be particularly
evident in mature teenagers. Gently probe to see if they've
attached guilt to the grief they feel. Provide reassurance that
all their feelings are normal. Most of all, let them know that
they did not cause the loss. Even very young children can have
the perception that they somehow caused the event leading to the
loss.
Each Child is Unique
This brief summary indicates a few common developmental
differences in grieving children of select age groups. However,
because each child is unique, understanding death and grieving
varies from child to child.
Remember, grief is not an illness; it's a normal response to
loss. And most children move through their grief journeys
without significant problems. But when grief becomes complicated
by factors such as addictions in the family, traumatic death,
history of abuse, multiple losses, and minimal family or
community support, then children may require professional help.
Also, the grief of a larger community, such as a nation focused
on the aftermath of the hurricane, presents additional
conflicting emotions. Engage your child in a discussion about
what they see on tv, what their peers and teachers have said
about the events, and most importantly, what your child thinks
and feels. Ask questions without trying to 'make it better.'
If a grieving child exhibits persistent destructive behaviors,
prolonged depression or withdrawal, debilitating somatic
complaints, or excessive anger, consult a grief professional. In
fact, these guidelines apply to any loss--whether it involves a
death, a move, a separation, a divorce, or a serious health
challenge.
Be Sure to Talk With Them
Grief is a subject that often gets avoided or handled fearfully
and briefly. As a parent, educator, and counselor, I encourage
you to talk with your children about their loss or the ones they
view in the media. Discuss what changes will result in their
lives because of a loved one's death or events in the world as
completely as you can. If you provide structured education,
children will learn to handle future loss and crises with
confidence rather than fear.
Also, be sensitive to cultural differences in dealing with death
and other losses. Remember, there is never "one way" to teach or
do anything
Take Care of Your Own Needs
In your role as teacher, counselor, or parent, it can be easy to
ignore your own needs. Naturally, you feel genuine concern about
the welfare of children faced with a difficult loss, but your
own feelings about life-changing events are just as important as
theirs. If you don't allow yourself to process them, you'll be a
less effective role model for your children.
In particular, take time to face your own discomfort about
talking to the children about death and grief. If you're aware
of unresolved grief issues from your past, seek a trusted person
with whom you can discuss your feelings. Look at this as a great
opportunity to do some "inner housekeeping."
Tools and Tips
Here are some ideas to guide you:
1) Breathing exercises go a long way to reduce the stress of
loss and change. Breathe in . . . breathe out . . . aah.
2) Remember, it's okay to show children that you're grieving,
too. Admit your own confusion, anger, or sadness about the
situation; this gives them permission to feel and grieve
themselves. When you show children how you take care of yourself
during difficult times, they learn life-affirming ways to deal
with crisis and change.
3) Have the children tell their stories. They can do this with
words, pictures, or dramatization. You'll find that it's healing
both to tell our stories and witness others' stories.
4) Have children do sentence completions and then discuss what
came up. Examples would be: "I wonder what..." or "I wish I
could... " or "I need you to know that . . . " or "The hardest
thing for me in my life right now is . . . "
5) It's important for children to remember that they aren't
alone. A lot of help is available. Encourage them to think about
all the things and people they consider to be their resources.
Then have them make a picture or map of these resources using
crayons, pastels, pencils, and markers. This map can contain
favorite activities and people, pets, even spiritual helpers. It
becomes a valued reminder and symbol of where they can turn when
they feel low.
6) Due to circumstances, sometimes children don't have the
opportunity to say goodbye to their pets when they die. It's
hard for anyone to grieve without having a chance to say
goodbye. Have your children write a letter to the pet or person
who is gone, or ask them to draw their "goodbyes" if they can't
write them.
7) Encourage your children to draw their feelings or make a
collage that represents death, loss, or change. They may prefer
to write a poem about death, compose music, or make up a feeling
dance.
8) When grieving, it's important to balance the sadness, anger,
and fear you feel with thoughts about the good things in your
life. The same is true for children. Have them list all the
things they feel grateful for.
9) Assure your children that the children directly affected by
the hurricane have loving adults helping and watching over them.
Let them know that you will do all in your power to keep them
safe and that you have a plan in case something unexpected
happens. Then make sure you DO have a plan.
10) Sometimes children feel badly about themselves during times
of major change and loss. Have them make a collage of what it
means "to be human." Encourage them to depict positive and
negative feelings as well as behaviors, which helps them see how
a "whole person" looks. Discuss the fact that everyone grows and
learns as a result of change.
11) Children, like adults, often fear what's ahead. It's easier
to acknowledge and work with fear when they can "see" it,
instead of putting their efforts into hiding it. Have them
sculpt their fears with clay or another medium.
12) Help children understand that they have choices about what
they think and say, and how they react and behave. Reinforce the
idea that these choices determine what they get throughout their
lives.
13) Children and adults feel helpless when faced with situations
out of their control. Our natural tendency is to want to help
those in dire need. Allow your children to help in some way.
This will give them the feeling of being useful, and it helps
them to grow their compassion. Ask them if they have any ideas,
and if they don't, you can make suggestions: collecting
donations from friends, family, at school or in the
neighborhood; making bags with needed items included--they could
also write a personal note of support to include in each bag;
organizing a fundraiser; collecting donations for the rescue of
pets; getting their schoolmates to write poems, letters,
drawings, songs, etc with donations; and of course, prayer. Have
them visualize love, light, and hope being delivered to victims
and their families with their prayers.
Listen Deeply
When you're with children who are grieving, your primary
resource is a good ear. That doesn't necessarily mean your
physical ears; it also includes your emotional, mental, and
spiritual ears. Listening deeply helps you be present with them
and pick up on their cues. It goes a long way toward
healing--for everyone involved.
Beware. If you simply "go at them" with your knowledge about the
grief process and impose "grief activities" on them, you risk
losing their trust through poor timing. Know that with good
tools, your ability to listen both to the children and to your
own intuition, you'll be guided to help them have a positive,
even transformational, experience.