The 7 key secrets to building self-esteem in your son
The 7 key secrets to building self-esteem in your son
Definition of self-esteem
The concept of self-esteem is based on our ability to think well
about ourselves and to cope with what life has in store for us.
Self-esteem is focused on whether we feel we are worthy and
whether we feel we have a right to be who we are and to value
who we are without being constantly criticised for who we are.
The value we place on ourselves is critical to our sense of self
worth.
Building self-esteem in your son is essential to him taking his
place in this society as a valued member of this society, able
to contribute meaningfully, effortlessly and willingly.
With so many pressures visited on our sons from a range of
quarters it's essential that they are encouraged to have minds
of their own and to act on what they know to be right. For some,
the idea of rightness, right thinking and right acting may be an
old fashioned concept and yet I maintain it's at the heart of
building high self-esteem.
Central to the theme of rightness is acting for the good of all
to the best of our abilities. These are high ideals I know and
here are seven great steps to help moms engender this way of
thinking in their sons (much of this is of course applicable to
daughters as well).
1. Praise often, criticise rarely, if ever
With praise so many things are possible. Sons really get the
impression they can do anything when they are praised and shown
how to succeed. Have you noticed how joyous children are when
they are really celebrated and told `well done', `good boy',
`you can do it - brilliant' and then how they wilt under
scathing criticism - `bad boy', `you're useless', `you're
rubbish and a waste of space', `you are just like your father,
you won't amount to anything'.
Both ways are self-fulfilling prophecies - if you tell your son
often enough that he is a waste of space and will amount to
nothing good, then he will live down to that expectation. If on
the other hand you tell him how great he is then he is more
likely to live up to those expectations. I know these are quite
simplistic observations of more complex ideas about the way we
behave and yet I hope I've put across the message about the
importance of praise, praise and even more praise.
Take every opportunity to let your son know when he is doing
things well, no matter how small it is, no matter if you feel he
should be doing it anyway. The more praise the better.
Criticism diminishes the soul. It makes us feel bad about
ourselves. It makes us, even adults feel unworthy and not good
enough. Imagine how your son would feel if he's constantly
criticised. A son that is constantly criticised has the ability
to be a first rate bully. We know for the most part that bullies
have low self-esteem and continued criticism helps to lead to a
poor self-image.
I am not suggesting that you shouldn't tell your son when he has
done something wrong. Of course there is a place for this. The
question is; how is this done? It can be done in a way that
keeps their self-esteem intact. That is tactfully letting them
know that their behaviour isn't appropriate, whilst at the same
time telling them know how you would like them to behave
instead. Sit and talk to your son and find out how he feels
about what you have said to him, this will help him to maintain
his sense of self, his sense of wellbeing because he is being
treated like he matters.
Praise your son early, often and throughout his life and just
watch his face light up.
I sing a song to my son every night at the point of putting him
to bed, with the words, `you are so beautiful to me, can't you
see, you are so beautiful to me', my beautiful, beautiful,
beautiful boy' he loves it and just watching his face light up
at `our' song is a wonder.
Some `to do' ideas
* Constantly look out for things your son is doing well and let
him know how good he is and how much you love him.
* Tell him some of the things that you like about him
specifically.
* Find out some of the things that he likes about himself and
that he feels he's good at.
2. Help to ensure your son understands and knows the power of
his own mind (rather than bowing to peer pressure) The pressure
is on boys and young men to conform to peer pressure, to follow
the pack rather than taking mastery of their own mind.
What makes the difference between a follower and a leader?
A follower is someone who hasn't a mind of their own, is
insecure, rarely makes decisions, doesn't take responsibility
for their own actions and doesn't respect themselves or others.
A leader on the other hand is the opposite of all of these.
Ensuring your son understands the power of using his own mind is
really important and it is necessary to nurture this at a young
age.
Some of the things that will help have already been mentioned.
To help your son to feel he is loved, this needs to be
demonstrated to him every day through loving words and action,
`I love you' and a hug goes a very long way, particularly when
done consistently. Allow your son to make age appropriate
decisions. Not all decisions need to be in the hands of parents
- so what if he wants to choose what pyjama's he wears to bed
tonight - that's fine, let him make that decision. Decision
making becomes easier the more we do it.
Let him know that all actions have consequences - if he chooses
to behave well in school there is a consequence, usually a
reward for that. If he chooses to behave poorly at school there
is a consequence for that too, usually some form of punishment.
He needs to know he has choices and that he will take
responsibility for those choices throughout his life. Providing
him with a loving, nurturing foundation will help him to make
some of the more appropriate choices. I have a saying that I use
with my son which is, `stop yourself'. The reason I use this
expression is really to give him an insight at a very early
stage that he is responsible for stopping or initiating
appropriate action in his life.
Some `to do' ideas
* Talk with your son about the peer pressure he faces in this
society and how he feels about what should be done about it.
This will support him to think through some strategies for
himself if he feels under pressure.
* Engage in role play activities that help your son work through
the alternatives.
2. Give age appropriate tasks
Instilling in your son a sense of responsibility at a very early
age will help him to take responsibility later in life. Simple
things such as taking the potty to the bathroom, setting the
table, washing up, helping with the cooking, emptying the trash
etc. helps to let him know life is about being responsible and
that being responsible is actually quite easy and is managed one
task at a time.
I know some of us as mothers think that we can get things done
more quickly if we do it ourselves. And that may be partly true
in the short term. In the medium and long term however if we
teach our son age appropriate tasks then life becomes a lot
easier and we teach them to take responsibility for themselves
and their life at the same time.
Some simple and responsible tasks include, keeping their bedroom
tidy, placing their dirty clothes in the linen basket, placing
clothes in the washing machine. If some of these tasks are
introduced early enough the children actual enjoy `helping'. I
know as our sons get older `other' incentives might need to be
employed - seeing friends, going on outings, money, negotiations
etc.
Some `to do' ideas
* Every couple of days, give your son a new task to do -
something that is a little more stretching than the previous
task.
* Notice when you are getting a little impatient with the time
he is taking to do the task - allow him that time and you get on
with something else - this will be of great benefit to you in
the long run.
3. Participate in games that build high self-esteem
Building self-esteem doesn't always come easy, particularly if
it wasn't started at a very young age.
If you are able to, it would be great to get your son to sign up
to societies/groups like, martial arts, boy scouts, youth clubs,
mentor programmes and outward bound courses. These are great
building blocks for increasing self-esteem. Here they get to
take part in individual and group activities that help to
stretch them beyond where they are.
These activities will help to instil a strong sense of self and
achievement. The belief this will to give your son in himself
really is the bedrock from which self-esteem springs.
One of the great things we can do as moms is to sometimes just
get out of the way of our sons and watch them soar. Let's be
careful not to pass our own fears on to them, be brave enough to
let them find their own level - to fall down and pick themselves
up again.
In addition, games are a great way to support boys to build
self-esteem..........
Here are some `to do' game ideas to practice with your son:
* Boys are good at............... I am good at................
* With your son's agreement sit with trusted family members and
tell your son all the wonderful things you and your family love
about him - the one key `rule' here is that all comments must be
positive.
* If I knew it was impossible to fail, I
would................................(you and your son,
independently can finish the sentence)
4. Your son can make age appropriate decisions with your help
Talk to him at a very early stage about decision making and why
it is important to help in living the life he wants to live.
Someone once said, `at the point of your decision your destiny
is shaped' and I do believe this to be true.
Making decisions and the decisions we make have a real impact
and make a huge difference to our lives.
Decision making is a natural part of growing up, imparting this
in our sons at an early age helps to enable them to take
decisions as they get older.
Decision making can start at a very early age - do you want milk
or water? Do you want to play with this toy or that? Who do you
want to baby-sit for you - this auntie or that un
Some `to do' ideas
* Each day ask your son to make a decision, make it a decision
that you believe it will be easy for him to make
* Let your son you believe he is a good decision maker and that
tell him how much you value his decisions
5. Develop your own self-esteem and show your son exactly what
you mean
It's really great to lead by example. How is your self-esteem?
How do you feel about yourself? Do you feel you are a worthwhile
and valuable person? How do you show this to your son?
If you know your self-esteem is on the floor, maybe there is
some work you could consider doing on yourself. Our sons will
learn from us, they will learn from what we say, from what we
do, from what we say we are going to do, from what we say and
don't do. Be in no doubt, our children really do learn from us.
Some `to do' ideas
* Read personal development books: any by Anthony Robbins,
Iyanla Vanzant, Marianne Williamson, Norman Vincent Peale,
Deepak Chopra and Shakti Gawain are great starting points.
* Enrol in some personal development workshops
* Establish a women's group with your friends * Become part of
an already established women's group
* Do something your haven't done before
6. Get to know your son and instil in him strong personal
values Let your son know what you believe in and what your
mission and vision is for your family. Let him know from an
early age, using age appropriate language, so that he can to
develop that mission and vision and fully sign up to the values
you are keen to instil in him. Help your son to be proud to be
male. There are lots of great role models out there, present day
and throughout history. Let him know who they are. Role models
will be different for different people and there no point in
necessarily pointing them out here. Find those that fit with
your value structure and let your son know about these role
models and tell him why you consider them to be role models.
Ensure that you don't put men down around him (or at all if you
can bear to help it). Remember they hear our negative comments
about men and internalise it. They can feel worthless. As we
love our sons dearly, this is not what we really want to be
doing. Labelling is a very powerful process, it can build
self-esteem and it can shatter it. Support your son by having
positive male role models around him. If you feel there aren't
any in your immediate surroundings then there are a good number
of mentors. Better still; enrol him in a mentor programme. Here
are some great examples of personal values: aspire to be the
best you can be, dedication and commitment to all you choose to
do and be, communicating respectfully, treat yourself and others
well, family is important and respect the diversity in that our
world offers.
Some `to do' ideas * Draw up a list of personal values that you
believe are important.
* Write up this list and place it at strategic points around
your house.
* Review your personal values every six months or so and make
sure you feel they are still current - you may wish to add or
delete!!!!!!!!
7. Your son must know you are his safety net if he falls Your
son really does need to know that if all else fails and mistakes
are made (as they inevitably will); he won't go completely
crashing to the ground. Ultimately he needs to know you are
there for him and will support him in whatever way you can.
Hyacinth Fraser Author Live playfully, powerfully and lovingly
Please send any feedback on this or other articles to
articles@topparentingtips.com.
www.topparentingtips.com
Hyacinth is a Master NLP Practitioner and Master Hypnotherapist.
She also has a M.A. in Social Policy and Administration
In addition most recently she has started a parenting website,
with a key focus on single mothers raising sons. She is a mother
of a two year old son.
She has written an ebook - Discover how you can be a great
single mother to your son by following these 101 strategies and
tips to great parenting.
Hyacinth has a passion for excellence and challenges herself to
be the best she can be.
If you feel your friends, relatives or colleagues may benefit
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With all good wishes and kind regards.