Four Tips To Help You Set And Enforce Family Boundaries
A healthy sense of self comes from clear personal and family
boundaries. Much like physical structures that define space,
boundaries are what define us from one another. Healthy
boundaries are integral to how we find privacy, personal respect
and our sense of what we as individuals are entitled to. We all
need boundaries for our own peace of mind.
Many people have difficulty creating and respecting healthy
boundaries. More often than not, an individual's ability or
inability to create/respect healthy boundaries is a product of
their upbringing. Families that struggle with boundaries tend to
raise children that struggle with boundaries, who tend to raise
children that struggle with boundaries and so on. Setting
boundaries and limits for your child is often a painful
experience and requires that a balance be struck between love
and boundaries and the enforcement of rules. It is crucial,
therefore, that you begin as early as possible to teach your
children their physical and emotional self.
The development of healthy personal boundaries begins in
infancy. As early as several months of age, newborns begin to
develop an interest in the external world. If children are
denied the opportunity to separate, they may begin to feel it's
"bad" to have their own identities. Eventually, this may result
in difficulty setting limits with others. For healthy
development, young children need the freedom to explore their
surroundings within safe limits set by their caregivers.
Parents who establish boundaries with their children begin to
teach children about boundaries. Children are not born with an
innate sense of boundaries. It is your task as parent to teach
your child "I end here and you begin there." Closed doors and
drawers must be respected - whether it's the door of the parent
or that of the child.
Let's check out Matthew's home:
Matthew is 4 yrs old and is usually allowed to wander the house
freely as long as he is in no physical danger. He enters his
parents' room without knocking and is free to open drawers and
closets. His parents indulge his behavior because they do not
want him to feel that the family has any secrets. By being so
permissive, Matthew has not learned to set boundaries and
respect the privacy of others, especially those who are not part
of the immediate family unit. When Matthew's family hosts house
guests, he still feels free to roam in to the bedroom of his
guests. Not only does he roam, but he walks right in to the
bathroom where one was trying to have his privacy!
The guest asks Matthew to leave the bathroom, a direction to
which Matthew responds by throwing things, yelling and crying.
Mom and Dad investigate and discover that Matthew was told he
could not come in to the bathroom when others were using it,
especially if he had not knocked.
Matthew's parents were quite dismayed as to why their guest had
reacted so strongly to his intrusion. Matthew's parents had
never set this boundary and re-enforced it. In order to not be
guilty of intruding, acting inappropriately, Matthew needs to be
taught that there are boundaries of others that need to be
respected and that there are consequences for not respecting
them.
Honest communication is the key to creating healthy boundaries.
Try These Tips:
1) Know Your Own Boundaries: In order to teach you must know the
limits of your own personal space.
2) Be Clear: Teach your child exactly what you want them to
know. Do not expect your child to anticipate the boundaries.
3) Reinforce: Practice what you preach and model good behavior.
If you want your child to learn not to rummage through drawers,
don't go rummaging through theirs.
4) Follow-Through: Remind your child of the limits. When someone
breaks the rules, there should be reasonable and logical
consequences that are agreed upon ahead of time.
It is vital to teach your children as early as possible the
boundaries that you want them to learn and incorporate into
themselves as they move out to the world and will need to
interact respectfully.