Ten Tips for Dealing with Temper Tantrums
You never know when one might hit, but when it does, is there
any place to hide? A child's temper tantrum can be one of the
most unnerving behaviors parents have to deal with. The
following are some tips that may be helpful the next time a
temper tantrum erupts.
CHALLENGE: "Whenever David doesn't get his way he throws himself
on the floor, screams, kicks and cries incessantly. What can we
do to help him overcome this behavior?"
TIP: What is David getting out of this behavior. First lets make
sure that you are not rewarding this type of behavior,
positively or negatively because both will help keep it alive.
If you eventually give in to this behavior by changing your
initial decision (not letting David go out to play, refusing
David a cookie), David has learned that tantrums work. Hence,
when David wants his way he may think, " a good tantrum just may
get me that candy bar, it got me out of bedtime last night."
Negative attention (yelling, threatening, ridicule, spanking)
seldom changes the behavior either. Getting you upset may be
just as rewarding as giving in to their demands.
TIP: Be proactive. Think of the situations that invite David's
meltdowns and head them off before they happen. Do questions
that require a yes or no answer provoke tantrum? Instead of "Do
you want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch David?"
try "It is time for lunch David. Would you like PB&J or macaroni
and cheese?" Advance notice may help as well. "We will be
leaving Grandma's in ten minutes. Get everything you want to
take care of before we go completed/done."
TIP: Consequence. Be sure to tie the consequence back to the
misbehavior. "David, remember the last time we went to the store
and you threw a fit because I wouldn't let you have the Power
Ranger? Remember how you kept putting it in the cart as
screaming that you wanted it? Well I am going shopping but you
won't be going with me. I just don't feel like dealing with that
kind of behavior today. Mrs. Ornery is here to watch you until I
get back. Try to make the best of it. Love ya, bye."
TIP: Move David to a different location. The key is for you to
model taking care of yourself. Your ears hurt when you hear
David's screaming. You may not be able to control whether or not
David has a tantrum, but you can control where he does it.
"Tantrums are for the bedroom. Let's go." You may want to give
him a choice. "Where do you want to be until you can get that
under control, the bathroom or the laundry room? If David can't
decide quickly you decide for him. Come on out when there is no
more crying and screaming."
TIP: Notice the exceptions. Point out the times when David may
have thrown a tantrum but did not. "I really appreciate how you
came in the house when I asked without throwing a "fit". You
should feel good about being able to do that."
TIP: Give the behavior a name. This will help externalize the
problem, which is to say, it separates the person from the
problem. It helps David and the family view the behavior as the
problem and not him (the problem is the problem). For example,
you could call David's tantrums the "uglies". This can help put
David and you on the same side in the battle against the
"uglies". Questions like "can you think of a time when you have
beat the "uglies" David? How did you do it? or how do you know
when the "uglies" are coming? What can you do to stop them?
"David may enjoy the imagery of conquering the "uglies" and this
can give David a sense of control over the behavior.
TIP: Acknowledge his feelings. This aligns you with David and
sets the stage for him to begin to work through his own problems.
David: "Dad, can I get this Power Ranger?"
Dad: "No, David I am not buying toys today."
David: Eyebrows coming closer together and lip starting to
pucker. "But it is the last one I need and I will have them all."
Dad: "Not today David."
David: Screaming and crying. "You never get me anything I ask
for. You don't love me."
Dad: Acknowledging David's feelings. "You must feel really sad
about not being able to get the Power Ranger. I know I sometimes
feel bad when I can't get what I want."
David: Sniffling. "Yea, I really want it."
Dad: "Tell you what. (Taking pen and paper out of planner) I
will write this down as "things David wants"."
David: "Okay Dad."
You can later use this list for surprises or gifts for special
occasions.
TIP: Tell David what you are going to do. "David, I'll come
back down stairs when you get that under control" or "I will be
happy to talk to you when you are not crying and you voice is
soft like mine."
TIP: Ignore the tantrum. If your have the will power to outright
ignore the behavior you must remember that it may get worse
before it gets better. That is, when David's behavior doesn't
produce the desired results, he may turn it up a notch to see if
a higher intensity level gets a response. Be careful. If you
give in and respond to the higher level or longer duration,
David learns that is how intense or how long he needs to go from
now on in order to receive attention.
TIP: Direct David toward a different way of expressing how he
feels. "David, here is some paper and crayons. How about drawing
how you are feeling right now." This is a positive, less
annoying way of communicating how he feels.