Watch Your Language! - How Parents Can Help Kids Help Themselves
'I felt great until I walked into the classroom - then it all
went wrong!'
No, this wasn't a teacher talking! It was a high school student
on the day of an important exam.
She needed a good grade in a particular subject to qualify for a
place at college, so she had worked hard and psyched herself up
for success.
Then she blew it. She walked into the classroom where students
were gathering before going to the exam hall, and allowed
herself to be influenced by them.
She told me the atmosphere in the room was charged with
negativity. People were sitting around with gloomy faces, some
were wringing their hands and pacing up and down. Others were
uttering such comments as:
'I'm going to fail, I just know it!'
'This is going to be SO hard!'
'Mr So-and-So said we've nobody to blame but ourselves.'
'Yeah, it's been an easy paper the last two years. They're bound
to toughen up this year.'
So it went on. And the girl in question allowed herself to be
sucked under. She reported a feeling of nausea as the confidence
drained from her.
In fact, she never failed, but to everyone's disappointment, she
never got the high grade expected of her.
However, she learned two very important lessons that day:
* Negative language produces negative results
* If we're not careful we can easily become 'infected' by the
negativity of others.
Our experience in any situation is largely influenced by our
attitude to it, (i.e. the way we FEEL, the way we react
emotionally to the situation).
Our attitude is affected by our thoughts, our thoughts affect
our language, and our thoughts are in turn affected BY our
language.
And not only by our OWN language, but by the language of others
- if we're not careful, that is.
Here in the UK teachers are used to hearing students say 'I'm
stuck!' when working on a classroom assignment or exercise. A
challenge has been encountered and the student is having
difficulty finding a solution.
Fair enough, ask the teacher for help, that's what they're there
for. Many a parent has given their kids that advice.
But what's the effect of saying 'I'm stuck'?
What message does that send to the brain?
As a teacher, I've experimented with this many times - and the
results are always the same!
Whenever I hear someone say 'I'm stuck' I usually say, 'Right,
I'll be with you shortly.' And I leave them to it.
Other kids will say 'Can you help me, please?' and I'll give
them the same reply.
Now, without fail, the students who were 'stuck' sit and
vegetate until the teacher comes over. After all, they've given
their brains a message: 'Down tools! There's nothing more we can
do right now.'
The kids who say they need help, however, are always to be found
pondering over their work, trying to work out a solution.
That's the influence of language!
I should add, I only ever hear the cries of 'I'm stuck!' in a
class that's new to me. Very quickly the students learn that
they're not trees, so they're not stuck!
This is not a denial of reality - it's simply a way of
INTERPRETING reality, and a much better, more effective way at
that.
As a writer, I often hear people say they'd love to write a
book. Recently one young woman said exactly that, then followed
up with '. . . but I don't suppose I ever will.'
She was rather offended when I replied, 'No, I don't suppose you
will.'
However, we talked about negative language, and she was grateful
for the advice. As Henry Ford so aptly put it: 'If you think you
can't - you're right!'
So how can we, as parents, help in our child's education and in
life in general?
Help them monitor their language. And, as always, give them a
good example by keeping our own language positive! Gently point
out that 'I hate Chemistry!' will only reinforce a negative
attitude to that subject.
'I need to work at Chemistry' will make it easier to do just
that!
When kids complain they are bored, encourage them to think, 'I
could be more interested in this!' The message to the brain? -
'Come on, rouse yourself! Take an interest.'
So far, so good. But what about the negative language of others,
which can so easily throw our kids off guard.
Here's a simple technique that, believe me, really works!
When you encounter a negative atmosphere or negative language,
try to remove yourself from it. But if you can't, just imagine
you are enclosed in a plastic bubble or glass bell jar - double
or triple glazed if necessary!
Tell yourself that your positive contributions can go out
and affect others, but their negative comments bounce off and
don't get near you.
Try it. It works . . .
Happy parenting!